~ A Perfect World ~
by Austin Hunter Daniels
Disclaimer: These characters belong to me and are products of my imagination. Any resemblance to any person, living or dead, is purely coincidental.
Language & Violence: Swearing in some places and threats of bodily harm.
Sexual Content: This story depicts a loving relationship between two women. If this is illegal where you live or you are underage then please do not continue.
Thanks: To the woman that I loved more than anything?and love still.
Feedback: Feedback or constructive criticisms are always welcome. Feel free to e-mail me at austindaniels@rediffmail.com or huntress@bluebottle.com Thanks for taking the time to read this and be sure to check out more stories at my website.
Beth's Story.
My angel,
There is so much that I want to say to you right now. I had this whole thing planned out in my head but somehow the words are escaping me. I wish I could tell you that I don't love you anymore, that I'll be fine without you. I know I told you that before, but you have to know that I lied angel. I will never be fine without you. I will never be fine with looking at you be with someone else?a man no less. I know why you had to do it. He can give you the respectability and the acceptance that you need from the world. All I could give you was my love. I know now that wasn't enough for you.
In a perfect world, you'd be with me. A part of me wants to hate you for taking the coward's way out. Did you think I have nothing to lose by being with you? But I would have given up everything to make you happy. And you want me to wait? You want me to be here just in case you come to your senses and decide that love is worth fighting for? I'm tired of fighting angel. I'm tired of giving you time and space. I'm tired of smelling HIM on you when you come home. I'm tired of seeing HIS marks on your body. I am driving myself crazy imagining how they got there. I am tired of living with this pain.
You say that you don't want to hurt me, yet you hurt me more every day. A knife goes through my heart every time I hear the love in your voice when he calls you. I feel my heart shatter with every broken promise. And yet I still kept hoping?but I can't anymore. I know where you were last night. I know what you were doing while I stayed by the phone waiting for it to ring. I guess you forgot that promise too, huh?
It's too much. You have gone and you have taken my world, my everything with you. I have nothing left, not even the will to live. By now, you should know why I'm writing this angel. I have nothing to live for. It's over for me?for us. I can't stay anymore. I guess this is goodbye my darling. I hope that you find whatever it is that you're looking for, whatever it is that I couldn't give you. All I ever wanted was to make you happy. Think of me fondly sometime.
Loving you forever,
Cassidy.
~~~~~~~~~~
I lost count of how many times I had taken out that cursed note. Now, it lay crumpled and tear-stained on the chair next to me. Had my love cried like this for me? In my heart I know that she did, although pride always kept her from revealing the worst of her pain. I reached for it again, smoothed out its many creases as best as I could and tried to make some sense of the words. Had I really been that blind? I had known that what I was doing was hurting Cassidy. Was it wishful thinking that kept me from seeing how much? Had I really managed to convince myself that this was for the best?
"Beth?"
I jumped a little and turned to face the woman who had taken the seat where, moments ago, the dreaded note had been lying. Wavy black hair surrounded a face that housed the most piercing gray eyes I had ever seen. Anna was Cassidy's best friend and she also happened to be a doctor at the very same hospital. It was Anna who found the note and it was Anna who had saved Cassidy's life and brought her here. I was always glad that Cassidy had managed to have someone as close to her as Anna was. My darling did not let people in easily. She should have never let me in.
"Hey, Anna."
"How are you holding up, kiddo?" It was a running joke between us. Anna always called me 'kiddo', even though she was only twenty-nine to my twenty-five. At least she used to call me that. She hasn't really called me anything in the past few months, not that I haven't deserved it. Seeing the concern in eyes that had recently only held contempt was almost my undoing.
"Okay, I guess. I'm not sure. This all seems unreal, you know? Cassidy was always the strongest person I know." I wasn't lying. I just forgot that Cassidy was much more fragile than most people. She just hid it better.
Anna leaned in closer and wrapped an arm around me, trying to give the comfort she knew I needed. There was a time that I thought Anna's scent was intoxicating. Now, I felt like I couldn't breathe. I may have needed it, but I did not want her comfort. I wanted her anger, her repulsion. I wanted my sins to be washed away in her hatred. Cassidy was right. She knew where I was and what I was doing. I was doing the same thing when I got the call. Steven understood that I needed to go, but he thinks that Cassidy is just my best friend. He wanted to drive me to the hospital but I knew doing that might get him killed either by Anna or Sierra, who did not know what was going on and was undoubtedly driving like a crazy woman to get here. I hate myself for this. Even in the midst of all this self-loathing and guilt, I still cannot say for certain what I want.
"Don't give up on her yet Beth. She's still in there somewhere and she's going to need you when she finds her way back."
"Isn't that why we're in this fucking hospital Anna, because I gave up on Cassie?"
I could not read the emotions on Anna's face. I saw her pity and a slight spark of understanding. I saw her disbelief that I could not know how vulnerable Cassidy really was. There was something else there, though and I could not place my finger on it. Then it dawned on me. Anna didn't want to be just Cassidy's friend?there was too much love in her eyes when I said Cassidy's name. For a brief moment, I felt the first stirrings of jealousy but I had no right to that anymore. Anna and Cassidy were so much better than I was. They would have never acted on their feelings, even if they were mutual. I wondered if they were.
"I'm not here to pass judgment on you Beth. I don't agree with you did and what you've been doing, but this is neither the time nor the place to go into that. There is a woman in there who would rather die than be without you and right now there is still no guarantee that she is going to make it. But if she does, are you going to be there for her? Because if you're not, then you need to walk away now and never look back."
"I don't know if I can walk away again Anna, but I don't know if I can be a part of the life that she needs." I couldn't hold back the tears any longer. "I don't know if she can be a part of the life that I need."
"You need to make that decision Beth. Not knowing if each day was the day that you were going to walk out or tell her you were going to stay was hurting her more than anything else."
"I need to make things right Anna. I just don't know how."
I buried her head in Anna's shoulder and finally let it out. I had been trying to be strong, trying to keep the guilt away but guilt was so much a part of me now. I should have been stronger. I should have seen what was there in front of me all the time. I hadn't though, and now Cassidy was bearing the brunt of my decisions.
"What the fuck is happening here?!"
Oh God. I had been so lost in thought that I hadn't heard the angry thud of a shoulder making contact with the double doors, or the menacing footsteps heading straight towards me. Some of the hospital staff looked up and then hastily looked away relieved that, for once, the rage wasn't directed at them. Unfortunately, I felt no such relief for the 5'10" vision of fury standing in front of me was Sierra, Cassidy's very protective and evidently very pissed off older sister.
Sierra, at thirty-two, was six years older than Cassidy, four inches taller and outweighed her by about twenty pounds. For all intents and purposes, she looked like the stereotypical tattooed butch. She loved hitting those weights and she was fully capable of lifting me off the floor and pitching me out the door. I had no doubt that would be my fate before the night was over.
Anna had managed to make her way to the other side of the room for, while she felt sorry for me at the moment, I was sure she had no intentions of taking a beating for me. I could only hope that Sierra's partner wasn't too far behind or I might be in need of a hospital room myself. I knew that there would be no reasoning with Sierra now so I meekly handed her the crumpled note and waited for the explosion. She took it without a word.
"What is this Beth?"
"Just read it. It'll explain everything you need to know."
Anna had waited until Cassidy had come out of surgery to call Sierra and had just told her that there had been a minor accident and Cassidy was in the hospital. If Sierra knew what had really happened, she would have probably killed both herself and Jesse trying to get here. As expected, I suddenly found myself wrenched out of my chair and lifted a few inches off the floor. Out of the corner of my eyes, I saw Anna leave. I gave her the benefit of the doubt and assumed that she was either going for help or to check if Cassidy was awake.
"Tell me this doesn't mean what I think it means Beth. Tell me that you're not running around on Cassidy and she didn't try to kill herself tonight." Sierra's words came out in a low growl. I bit the proverbial bullet.
"I wish I could, but I can't."
"How the fuck could you do that to her? Have you lost your mind? You mean everything to her. Hell, she stood up to me to be with you and you betray her like this? I ought to?" My head cracked painfully against the wall and I closed my eyes against the blow I was sure would follow?and then I felt myself being let down.
"Baby, this isn't the time. Calm down. Beth, how is Cassie?"
I knew that I could derive some small comfort from the fact that Jesse chose to walk in at that exact moment. Undoubtedly, Sierra had pulled up in front of the hospital and rushed out of the car, leaving poor Jesse to take over and find a parking space. They had been together for a little over three years now, almost as long as I had been with Cassidy, and Jesse was the only one who could calm Sierra's notoriously bad temper. Cassidy always joked that her sister went from a tiger to a teddy bear with one touch of Jesse's hand. Obviously, it was true. I liked Jesse a lot, and not just for the obvious reasons. She was a small woman, and certainly she was dwarfed by Sierra, but there was an aura of calm determination around her that made people stand up and take notice. She had used this to somehow manage to get her lover into a chair and was now waiting for an answer.
"I'm afraid she isn't doing so well."
"Just take your time and tell us what happened Beth."
"I?um?I don't really know." I hung my head in shame. It was my duty to know.
"I don't understand Beth." Jesse placed a restraining hand on Sierra's thigh and I knew that her fuse was in danger of being lit again.
"How long, Beth? How long have you been screwing around on my sister?"
I couldn't lie. "A few months now. We had been having problems and, on top of that, some people from the office had started asking questions about us. I?I panicked. I didn't want anyone to know that she was my lover, not just my friend or my roommate. And then Steven asked me out and I figured, why not? He's a good guy and he's acceptable."
"Steven from the office?" Sierra was livid.
"Yes."
"I didn't mean for any of this to happen. I care about Steven. I really do, and I can have that traditional life that everyone wants me to have with him. But I love Cassidy. In a perfect world, I would be with her in an instant. I just don't know how to be a part of her life without sacrificing my friends and family. They would never accept my being with a woman, and I'm not sure I'm ready to give up everything."
"She'd do it for you."
"I know."
Sierra was right. Cassidy would give up everything that she had in this world to be with me. She had terrible fights with her sister over me. Sierra didn't see the wisdom in getting involved with a straight girl but Cassidy had put her foot down and that had almost cost them their relationship. I knew that I didn't deserve that kind of love.
"Beth? She's awake. She's asking for you."
Beth could have sworn that her heart stopped when she heard Anna's voice.
"How is she Anna?" I could tell that Sierra too was afraid to hear what Anna had to say. She and Cassidy hadn't seen eye to eye on a lot of issues but Cassie was her sister. I still get chills thinking about what she'd do if she lost her. As if sensing her lover's unspoken distress, Jesse quietly took her hand between both of hers.
"She's?in a lot of pain. She went into the water very hard so she had some internal injuries and broken bones. The surgeons have done the best they can and she should be alright but she's going to need some physical therapy to regain full use of her left leg. I think everything that could be broken in there was. There doesn't seem to be any brain damage from being deprived of oxygen so long though."
Sierra was so relieved that she looked like she would cry, but that would ruin her tough as nails image so she held it back. Jesse looked at her lover and knew that she would be cradling her later. She was the only one in this world that Sierra would cry in front of. I, on the other hand, had no such reputation to protect so I promptly burst into tears. I made no effort to brush them away and this time it was Jesse's embrace that I found myself in.
"Beth, do you want to go see her now?" I could only nod.
"I don't think?."
"Hush Sierra. We're all worried?and relieved. But Beth needs to go in now, okay babe? Let her do this, for both their sakes."
I knew they were watching me make my way down the corridor, veering a little but brushing off offers of help. This was something that I needed to do alone. I looked back once and saw Sierra turn to face her lover. I could tell that Jesse was a little bit afraid of the intensity in her eyes. I didn't need to hear it to know what she said.
"If she ever does anything to hurt Cassie like that again, I'm going to fucking kill her."
I knew it wasn't just a threat. It was a promise.
~~~~~~~~~~
I stood hesitantly at the door of room 114, my hand unmoving on the knob. I had gotten more than a few strange looks from the hospital attendants and assorted family members who had passed by. I knew that I had to go in but I felt so sick to my stomach that I feared I would pass out.. This wasn't the time for doubts, though. That had cost us too much time already. I gathered my courage and turned the doorknob. The room was a little dark but I could make out the solitary form on the bed.
"Cassie?"
"Hey." The response was weak but it was music to my ears.
"I guess it's a silly question but how are you feeling?"
"Like I almost died?but I guess that's a fair representation."
"Do you remember anything about what happened?"
"I remember everything Beth." Her voice sounded so weak. I went to her and sat in the chair on the side of the bed. I took her hand in mine and my mind reeled at the pain I saw in her eyes. Tears came to mine again.
"I'm so sorry baby. I never meant to do this to you."
"I did this to myself Beth. I let the pain get the better of me."
That was my Cassie, always trying to take the blame unto herself. I wasn't going to let her do that this time. This was squarely my fault. Yes, she had made the ultimate decision to end her own life, but I had put the thought there.
"No. I did this. Let me take the responsibility for once. I decided that I wanted something else, but I wanted to keep what I had too. That was wrong of me. You deserve so much more than that."
"But I want you." She had tears in her eyes too now and I hated doing this to her. But this time she had something to live for. Her name was Anna and she was waiting outside. She would be my redemption.
"I know, but you deserve someone who wouldn't even have to think about choosing you. You deserve someone who would always put your needs first, no matter what. I can't give you the life you need, but you knew that already, didn't you?"
She nodded and I could tell even that simple act caused her a great deal of pain.
"I don't want to be alone."
My heart broke for her. She sounded like a scared child.
"You will never be alone. I always want to be a part of your life. I'm always going to be your friend and your shoulder to cry on. Don't forget, you still have Sierra and Jesse?and Anna."
She looked at me strangely when I mentioned Anna's name and I saw what I had been looking for in her eyes. I knew what I was doing was right and I resolved then and there to get the two of them together. We talked for a long while and finally I was convinced that Cassidy would be okay. I walked out of Cassidy's life that night, not completely but as a lover. So what happened next? Well, I went out and explained my decision to the others, got punched out by Sierra, treated by Anna for a dislocated jaw, and comforted by Jesse. No one said doing the right thing wouldn't hurt.
~~~~~~~~~~
Five years have passed since the night I almost lost Cassidy. I thank God each day that I didn't. My son loves his auntie Cassie, even though he can't actually say her name yet. Yes, I have a son?and a daughter. Steven was proud of his children. He died last year in a car wreck. Dealing was difficult at first but I had good friends to help me through it.
Jesse, Sierra and I conspired to get Anna and Cassidy together and it worked. Their four-year anniversary is coming up in a few weeks. They have never been happier and Anna is about to become a proud father. I can't tell if she's more scared or excited though. I do know that she is hanging on to Cassidy's every move and she's going to smacked soon. Everyone is here now and I can take a good look at my extended, if dysfunctional family. In an extreme twist of fate, we all live within ten minutes of each other.
The only evidence of Cassidy's 'accident' is the slight limp that she retains, but she is radiant?and happy. I can't help feeling a slight hint of jealousy and some part of my brain tells me that it should be my child that she is carrying, not Anna's. Then, I look at my children and I know that I would not have had them if things had worked out differently. I look at Cassidy and I know that she would not have been happy, or possibly alive, if she had stayed with me. I look at my life and I know that fate controls our lives for a reason. I have everything and everyone I need right here.
Sierra's Story.
Where should I start? Words have never come easily to me. Don't get me wrong; I am rarely at a loss for words but discussing my feelings? That's another story. Well, I suppose I should start at the beginning, or at least that's what they say, so here goes.
My name is Sierra Mackenzie and I am thirty-two years old. I have one sibling, my sister Cassidy who is six years my junior and the center of my world (besides my partner Jesse, of course). Our parents died nine years ago and I have had the task of looking after Cassidy ever since. She is as stubborn as?well?me, and we have had many disagreements over the years, but through it all we have shared a bond that has never been broken. I guess that's why I went into a near panic when Anna called. Jesse and I had just finished dinner and she was looking forward to a night of romantic movies and good loving. I wanted to skip the movies. She refused so I was sulking in the kitchen when the phone rang. I answered since I didn't want to bother Jesse, who was trying to figure out the DVD player because I was being childish and refused to show her how to use it (let's see her put in those sappy movies now, hah).
"Hello?"
"Hello, Sierra?"
"Hey Anna? What's up?" I had always liked Anna and secretly hoped that she and Cassidy would hook up, but my sister seemed happy enough with Beth, so I kept my little secret.
"Um, Sierra, is Jesse there?"
"Yes she is. Would you like to talk to her?"
"No?it's just?"
"Spit it out babe. Is something wrong?" I was definitely picking up on something now, and I had this sick feeling in my stomach. Jesse had come into the room and was looking at me curiously so I mouthed that it was Anna on the phone.
"Sierra?there's been an accident. It's Cassidy?she in the hospital."
The room started to spin. I wordlessly handed the phone to Jesse and slumped down in the nearest chair. So many thoughts were flying through my head that I missed the rest of the conversation and didn't notice it had ended until Jesse kneeled before me and took my hand in hers.
"Babe? Baby, look at me."
"W?what happened?" My throat was dry. I looked into emerald green eyes and was relieved to not find the fear, or grief, that I had been half expecting.
"She wouldn't say. All I know is that there was some sort of accident. Anna said that it wasn't very serious and Cassie's okay but we need to get to the hospital. She'll give us more details when we get there."
I barely remember getting dressed or getting into the car. I know that Jesse offered to drive but I waved her off. I needed to get to Cassidy. A part of my brain kept telling me to calm down, that Anna would have told us if it were something more serious, but I couldn't help it. I went into hysterics if Cassidy got a paper cut. So much for the big, tough butch image.
Now I am standing in the elevator, going up to the fourth floor where Anna said she'd be. I had pretty just pulled up to the curb and jumped out, but I knew that Jesse would understand?and that she'd actually park the car. My heart feels like it wants to burst it's way out of my chest and I am so nervous that I almost scream when the elevator stops and the door opens. Oh well. I need to do this. Just step up to the plate Sierra. You can do this.
I shoulder my way through the double doors and then I see them?Beth and Anna. Beth's face is buried in Anna's shoulder and I can tell that she's crying. Anna looks up at me, and her eyes tell me all I need to know. Something is wrong, badly wrong, and I feel my anger coming up to the surface. Someone was going to tell me what's going on, if I had to beat it out of them.
What the fuck is happening here?!" I have a bit of a potty mouth. Beth looked up at me and I could see fear, and resignation, written all over her face. I could make out Anna slinking away and I knew this was going to be bad. Anna only got out of the way when there was going to be a confrontation. There was a crumpled piece of paper in Beth's hand and she wordlessly passed it to me.
"What is this Beth?"
"Just read it. It'll explain everything you need to know."
I read it?and read it?and read it. I couldn't believe the words that were written there, or their implications. My sister had tried to killed herself? The light in my eyes had tried to end her own life because she felt she had nothing to live for? I looked at Beth and if ever I were to be capable of murder, this was the moment.
"Tell me this doesn't mean what I think it means Beth. Tell me that you're not running around on Cassidy and she didn't try to kill herself tonight."
"I wish I could, but I can't."
I couldn't take it anymore. I lost control?and my mind. This bitch had been fucking some guy behind my sister's back. She was the reason Cassidy had been in so much pain. I knew that something had been bothering her. She hadn't been herself lately, but Jesse had cautioned me to leave well enough alone. Cassidy would come to us when she was ready. I should have forced the issue. Then I could have just killed Beth and Cassidy would have moved on. But I never make the same mistake twice. I lunged at Beth and slammed her into the wall.
"How the fuck could you do that to her? Have you lost your mind? You mean everything to her. Hell, she stood up to me to be with you and you betray her like this? I ought to?" I felt a hand on my shoulder and knew without looking that it was Jesse.
"Baby, this isn't the time. Calm down. Beth, how is Cassie?"
With Jesse's touch, I felt the anger draining out of me...not enough to stop wanting to kill Beth, but enough to make me put her down and allow myself to be led to a chair. My heart fell at the next words I heard.
"I'm afraid she isn't doing so well."
"Just take your time and tell us what happened Beth." My Jesse, always getting to the heart of the matter.
"I?um?I don't really know." Beth hung her head in shame. I got the feeling she knew what I was thinking?it was her duty to know. I felt my anger working its way to the surface again. All I wanted to do was to hold Cassidy and take her pain away?take Beth away. I felt a restraining hand on my thigh and wondered once again what I could have done to deserve someone as understanding as Jesse. But even so, I had to ask the question that had been at the tip of my tongue since I read that note.
"How long, Beth? How long have you been screwing around on my sister?"
A few months now she said, and I found myself wishing this was some sort of bizarre nightmare. I listened to her explanations. I listened to her trying to justify what she had done, my hands clenching into fists. I listened to her tell me how hard it would be to stay with Cassidy, how much everyone wanted different things for her, how much she would have to give up. Did she really think that I, of all people, wouldn't know? Did she really think that it was easier for Cassidy just because our parents were dead?
"She'd do it for you." I wanted to remind her that Cassie would have given up her life for her, but I couldn't bring myself to say those words
"I know."
And she did know. She knew I was right. I never had anything personal against Beth before, I just didn't think it was a good idea for my sister to get involved with a 'straight' girl. Cassie swore up and down that this was what she wanted though and, after more arguments than I could count, I finally gave in. Now, I couldn't help thinking that I should have fought harder, even though what was left of my reason told me that I could have lost Cassidy had I done that. Still, maybe she would have been off hating me somewhere instead of in this hospital bed.
"Beth? She's awake. She's asking for you."
I was lost in my own thoughts. I hadn't even noticed Anna coming back and I felt more than just butterflies in my stomach at the sight of her. For the first time I was glad that Beth was there and she asked the question because once again my throat was dry. It felt like I had swallowed glass and there was little comfort when Jesse took my hand. She would be just as devastated as I if anything happened to Cassidy.
"She's?in a lot of pain. She went into the water very hard so she had some internal injuries and broken bones. The surgeons have done the best they can and she should be alright but she's going to need some physical therapy to regain full use of her left leg. I think everything that could be broken in there was. There doesn't seem to be any brain damage from being deprived of oxygen so long though."
I was so relieved that I felt like I could cry but I wouldn't let anyone see me like that, only Jesse, and that would come later. I barely felt Jesse leave my side to go to Beth, who was now in tears or Anna asking Beth if she wanted to go in. I didn't want Cassidy to see her now. I started to protest, but Jesse cut me off. She seemed to think that it was a good idea and I was too tired of feeling to argue. But something in me was stirring?anger?guilt?insanity?who knows?
"If she ever does anything to hurt Cassie like that again, I'm going to fucking kill her."
It wasn't just a threat?it was a promise and I could tell by the look in Jesse's eyes that she believed me.
" Baby, I know that this is killing you inside, but you have to calm down?for Cassie's sake. She needs us now?she needs you. You have to be able to be there for her without throwing a tantrum, okay?"
" This is my fault, Jesse. I'm her big sister. I'm supposed to be looking out for her. I'm supposed to keep things like this from happening. She was hurt enough to want to end her own life, and I didn't even know. What if she had done it, Jess? What if she had been successful tonight? What if?" I couldn't go on. My voice started to crack and I knew I was on the verge of breaking down?in public no less. I just let Jesse hold me and drew what comfort I could from her. We sat like that for a while with Jesse holding me and talking to Anna. I heard little bits of their conversation but I was too lost in my own thoughts to care. There were many questions swimming around in my head, mostly for Anna, but I didn't think either one of us could face the answers?not tonight.
After a while, we heard the door to Cassidy's room open, and Beth came back out. She had been crying again, and I didn't know whether that was a good sign or a bad one. She walked up to us slowly and I could tell she had something to say. I wasn't sure if I wanted to hear it.
"I'm leaving her."
I looked at Jesse and I could see disbelief on her face. I looked at Anna and, for the first time since I've known her, I swear I saw hatred in her eyes.
"You're doing what?" I'm not even sure which of us asked the question.
"I have to?. I can't keep hurting her. She deserves someone who can love her and be there for her always. I can't be that person. I think I've already proven that."
You bitch. She loved you?she loves you still. She would die without you. And knowing all that?knowing that you have a chance, a second chance to make her happy?you're going to walk away? You're going to just leave her there to pick up the pieces? I couldn't control myself anymore. I punched her out.
~~~~~~~~~~
There was a lot of healing to be done after that day?and a lot of forgiveness. But there was some good that came out of it. Cassidy and I have never been closer and, even though I would never admit it, I am looking forward to becoming an aunt., even if I can't be a daddy just yet. I never thought that would happen?just as I never thought I would see my sister smile again. Anna's love, with a little push from Jesse and I, seems to have worked miracles. Now we all live close by, even Beth. And while I still look at her warily sometimes, I know that Jesse is right when she says Cassidy would never have found happiness if Beth hadn't left her all those years ago. So I have forgiven her, just as I know everyone else already has. We are at her house now and I find myself hanging back and looking around. I see Anna holding Cassidy's hand and asking if she's okay for the millionth time. I see Beth calling her son to her and telling to leave Cassidy alone. I see my Jesse walking towards me. I look around and I know that I have everyone and everything I need right here?a family.
Jesse's Story.
My name is Jesse McNamara and this is my story to tell. I suppose I could be more eloquent, certainly I have been accused of being overly-talkative on occasion, but I cannot seem to be excited by the events I am about to relate. It seems like ages ago, but only five years have passed since that dreaded phone-call. I remember every detail all to well. Let me tell you about it, but first I must tell you about my family at the time?my partner Sierra and her sister Cassidy.
I first met Sierra about four years ago on a blind date. I was twenty-four at the time and to say that we didn't hit it off would have been an understatement. It wasn't that I didn't find her attractive?those tight denim jeans were doing her justice that night. Unfortunately, I found her to be rude, ill-tempered and ill-mannered?not a winning combination in my book. I honestly thought that the end of our date would have the last time I saw her. I was secretly relieved, and plotting the demise of the 'friend' who had set us up. Imagine my surprise when I got a call from Sierra a few days later, practically begging for another chance. I have also been accused of being soft-hearted, so I gave in and figured that I could live through one more night of torture. I saw a different side to her on that second date, one that I was sure she never let anyone see easily. It was hidden under all the bravado, but it was there. She was caring, attentive, a little shy and above all, I felt safe with her. I've been with her ever since. Later on, I would learn that her foul mood the first time we met was due to an argument with her sister.
Sierra adored Cassidy. I honestly think she would do anything for her. But they always locked horns, as it were, because they were just too damn similar. Both of them were as stubborn as mules and the cause of this latest rift was Cassie's choice of girlfriend?Beth. Sierra referred to her as the straight girl because she had never been with a woman before and she was convinced that Beth would break Cassidy's heart one day, no doubt as someone had broken hers. But Cassidy was in love and my darling, being the softie that she is, could deny her nothing. They seemed happy enough together and eventually moved in together but the spectre of Beth's wanting to remain in the closet always hung over them. Cassidy wanted too much out of life to spend the rest of hers hiding in the closet. I was expecting something to happen one day?but never this.
It was a Friday night like any other and Sierra and I were looking forward to spending an uninterrupted weekend together. In preparation, I had chilled the champagne, bought some sexy new lingerie and rented the most romantic movies I could find to set the mood. As usual, Sierra was always in the mood and wanted to get straight to the lingerie?champagne and movies be damned. I, on the other hand, am a hopeless romantic and I always got my way?which of course left Sierra sulking in the kitchen. Sometimes I swear I'm in love with a five year old. I was fiddling with the DVD player when I heard the phone ring and Sierra answer it. I will probably never know what it was but something made me leave what I was doing and go into the kitchen.
"Spit it out babe. Is something wrong?"
Curiosity and concern were warring in me when I heard those words from Sierra's mouth and her signaling that it was Anna on the phone did nothing to ease it. Anna was Cassidy's best friend?Cassidy's incredibly hot best friend?Cassidy's incredibly hot best friend who was hopelessly in love with her. She had confided in me a while ago, although anyone with half a brain could see it. I have to admit, I always thought that Anna made a better choice for Cassidy, but it wasn't my place to say so.
I was brought back to reality by the fact that Sierra's face had gone as white as a sheet and she just handed me the phone before slumping into the nearest chair. I put the receiver to my ear, deathly afraid of what I was about to hear.
"Sierra, are you there?"
" It's me Anna?Jesse." Like she wouldn't figure that out.
" Jesse, I need you to get Sierra over to the hospital right now okay?"
" Not until you tell what's going on."
" There?there's been an accident. It's Cassidy."
" Anna, I need you to tell me exactly what's going on," I dropped my voice " I know you wouldn't tell Sierra everything but I need to know what I'm going to be dealing with. Am I going to have a full blown breakdown on my hands when she gets there?"
"Jess? Cass tried to kill herself," I could hear the anguish in Anna's voice. She was the only one who called her Cass. "She's been in surgery for a few hours now but she should be coming out soon. I didn't want to call earlier cause I didn't want Sierra to have to be pacing here for so long. Don't let her know Jess, just get her here."
"We're on our way."
Nothing else needed to be said. I couldn't believe it. My thoughts were flying in every direction and I desperately wanted to join Sierra where she was, but I needed to be the strong one now. I needed to be my darling's rock or else she would crumble.
"Babe? Baby, look at me."
"W?what happened?"
Time to lie. "She wouldn't say. All I know is that there was some sort of accident. Anna said that it wasn't very serious and Cassie's okay but we need to get to the hospital. She'll give us more details when we get there."
I don't think I had ever seen Sierra get dressed that fast and I would prefer not to remember the drive over to the hospital. I honestly thought that we would show up in our own ambulances, but somehow we arrived safely. By that I mean Sierra nearly side swiped a van, pulled up on the curb and ran out of the car without so much as a goodbye. Guess I'd be doing the parking then, which I did and then I went up to the third floor in search of answers. What greeted me was the sight of Sierra lifting Beth a good five inches off the ground and about to swing a punch at her. I didn't know what it was about?but it couldn't be good.
"Baby, this isn't the time. Calm down. Beth, how is Cassie?"
I put my hand on Sierra's arm and I felt how tense her muscles were under my fingers. Definitely not good. The last time she had been like this, she had gone off on some poor woman who had enough of a death wish to smack my ass. That had ended in broken bones and an assault charge, which was eventually dropped because said woman was too afraid to get within ten feet of Sierra. I took my darling's hand and led her to a chair. Explanations were needed here, not concussions.
"I'm afraid she isn't doing so well."
"Just take your time and tell us what happened Beth."
"I?um?I don't really know." Beth hung her head in what looked like shame and I knew there was more going on here. I wasn't sure that I was going to like it.
"How long, Beth? How long have you been screwing around on my sister?"
There was little I could do to hide my surprise when Sierra said that. Beth had been cheating on Cassidy? This couldn't be any worse. No wonder Cassie had tried to end her own life...she had made Beth her world and as far as she was concerned, her world was ending. It made sense now, in a way. Cassie had been increasingly moody and withdrawn. Sierra had wanted to know what was hurting her little sister? she had wanted to push for answers, but I didn't let her. I was afraid that she would end up pushing Cassie away. I wasn't sure that I had done the right thing. But Beth? What on earth could have made her do such a thing? She tried to explain and I tried to understand?but how could I understand giving up on a love like that? I could never imagine myself walking out on Sierra?I'd be too afraid of what she'd do. Anna came back and I knew that I would have to talk to her soon. She would be able to fill in the blanks for me and I would be her shoulder to cry on.
"Beth? She's awake. She's asking for you."
"How is she Anna?"
I took Sierra's hand in mine. I too was afraid to hear the answer.
"She's?in a lot of pain. She went into the water very hard so she had some internal injuries and broken bones. The surgeons have done the best they can and she should be alright but she's going to need some physical therapy to regain full use of her left leg. I think everything that could be broken in there was. There doesn't seem to be any brain damage from being deprived of oxygen so long though."
I looked at Sierra and I could feel some of the tension drain out of her as she leaned against me. I knew that she would cry later as she lay on me and I stroked her hair. But right now Beth needed comfort and neither Anna nor Sierra were in any position to give it, so I went to her and held her as she cried. Cassidy would be okay, at least physically. It was her emotional state I was worried about and while it may have been soon, I thought it best that she saw Beth first. At least this way she would have all of us around to depend on. We all watched as Beth slowly made her way to Cassie's door and I actually felt my heart go out to her. She had a tremendous amount of guilt to deal with. What was she going to say?
"If she ever does anything to hurt Cassie like that again, I'm going to fucking kill her." I could tell from the look in Sierra's eyes that she wasn't joking and I would be lying if I said it didn't scare me.
"Baby, I know that this is killing you inside, but you have to calm down?for Cassie's sake. She needs us now?she needs you. You have to be able to be there for her without throwing a tantrum, okay?"
"This is my fault, Jesse. I'm her big sister. I'm supposed to be looking out for her. I'm supposed to keep things like this from happening. She was hurt enough to want to end her own life, and I didn't even know. What if she had done it, jess? What if she had been successful tonight? What if?"
My poor baby?what she must be going through right now. I just held her and let her draw what comfort she could while I took the opportunity to talk to Anna. I knew Sierra wasn't listening. She was dealing with her own pain.
"Anna, sweetheart, how are you holding up?"
"As well as can be expected, I guess."
I knew she was lying. Her eyes were red and I knew it wasn't from lack of sleep.
"Anna, tell me what happened? Who found her?"
"I did. She called me and I could tell she had been crying. She told me not to worry about her anymore?that everything was going to be alright. I?I got scared. There was just something in her voice?so I went over and she wasn't there. I found note on the kitchen table and that's when I knew what she was planning."
"You knew about all this before?"
"Yes." I wasn't surprised that Cassidy would have chosen to confide in Anna. "She didn't want anyone to know. You know how Cass is?she didn't want to admit that Sierra was right."
"How did you know where she was? Did she say in the note?"
"No, but I remembered her saying that the first time she knew she loved Beth was when the looked at the sunset together from Lakeview Bridge. It was the night they first kissed?I just figured. I?I saw her jump, Jess. I called out to her but I couldn't stop her. All I could do was get to the bottom and hope she was still alive."
I couldn't imagine what that must have felt like for Anna and as I watched a lone tear make its way down her face, I realized what a truly remarkable woman she was and just how much she loved Cassidy. I also knew that we owed Cassidy's life to her. After a while, we heard the door to Cassidy's room open and I could see that Beth had been crying. We all stood. I really didn't want to hear what she had to say because a part of me already suspected what it was.
"I'm leaving her."
"You're doing what?" I think it was Anna who asked and I could see something flashing in her eyes.
"I have to?. I can't keep hurting her. She deserves someone who can love her and be there for her always. I can't be that person. I think I've already proven that."
Deep down, I knew she was right and I knew that it couldn't have been easy for her to make this decision, but Cassidy deserved more. I didn't hate her?I just hoped she could find whatever it was that she was so desperately searching for. Sierra however was another matter and I turned to her just in time to see a fist flying towards Beth. It made contact and it was Anna who had to hold Sierra back. Thankfully she was strong enough to do that and lead Sierra to me.
After that, Anna treated Beth for a dislocated jaw and sent her home. I assumed Steven would be waiting for her. Sierra wanted to make a beeline for Cassidy but I needed to calm her down first and Cassie needed Anna, or rather they needed each other. I watched as Anna hesitated at the door to Cassidy's room and she looked up at me. I smiled in encouragement and she nodded and went in. Somewhere in my mind, a little voice told me that one day everything would be alright.
~~~~~~~~~~
It has been five years now and a lot has changed. Thankfully, the relationship between Sierra and I has not been one of these things and our love is burning as brightly as ever. But ours isn't the only one. Cassie and Anna have been together for almost four years now?with a little help from the rest of us. In fact, they are expecting a bundle of joy in the very near future. Anna is a nervous wreck?you'd think being a doctor would help, wouldn't you? Sadly, Steven died not too long ago, but he left Beth two darling children whom she adores more than anything. Actually, we are at Beth's house now and everyone is off in their own little world. I am waiting to hear a resounding smack when Cassie finally gets tired of Anna's constant worrying. Sierra finds it amusing and she is looking at them right now and laughing. I wonder how she'll feel when I tell her the news? My hand goes to my stomach and I can't help but smile. I know that I have everything and everyone I need right here?and Sierra's going to be a daddy.
Anna's Story.
I love her. God help me but I love her. I have loved her for as long as I can remember?probably since the first time we met. It wasn't romantic and there weren't any fire works?we just literally bumped into each other. Okay, the fact is I plowed into her because I was late for class. Somehow we just kept bumping into each other after that, not literally this time, and I fell for her?hard. Who wouldn't? She was beautiful, sexy, smart, funny, and sensitive. I could fill pages and pages with reasons why I loved her, but that isn't the purpose of this. Suffice to say that I lost my chance?to Beth. See what happens when you don't take a chance? I was so concerned by how she would take my being gay that I never stopped to consider the possibility that she was too. It stung, but I got over it?or at least that's what I told myself. I took some consolation from the fact that we became the best of friends. Still, I didn't exactly wonder what my other friends were like in bed.
She would be caring, putting my needs first. She would take the lead, but not be domineering. She would give herself to me as much as I would give myself to her. Sometimes I'd chastise myself for having these thoughts of her when she belonged to another, someone I also considered a friend. There were others in my life?other women, but all of them were just pale imitations of her. God, I had it so bad, but I resolved a long time ago never to let it show. Cass and Beth were happy and when they finally decided to move in together, I was happy for them. That was our big happy family?Cass and Beth, Sierra and Jesse, me and whoever was my flavor of the month. No one guessed at my secret, not until Jesse caught me.
It was a searing day in July and we had decided to rent a beach house together. I was between flavors at the time so I showed up alone. I knew I'd be depressed but when Cass had looked at me with those puppy dog eyes I was lost. So here I was, standing alone on the deck, looking at Cass and Beth walk hand in hand down the beach. There was so much love between them that I looked away?straight into the eyes of Jesse who had come up unnoticed behind me.
"Are you ever going to tell her how you feel?"
"I don't know what you're talking about Jess."
"Uh huh?I'm not blind Anna. I see the way you look at her. I hear the way your voice changes when you're talking to her. You're hopelessly and utterly in love with her. Now, are you ever going to tell her?"
"I can't. You see how happy she is with Beth. She deserves that happiness. I can't get in the middle of that." There wasn't really much point in denying it.
"It's going to eat you alive. Are you ready to spend the rest of your life just casting sidelong glances at her?"
"If I have to. I love her enough to do that."
You see, when I looked at her and Beth I saw something to be envied. I saw something that everyone wanted and few people ever found?and I thought that would last forever. I thought that until the day Cass came to see me at the hospital. I had just finished my rounds and was getting ready to go home when Cass dragged herself in. Her eyes were red and I could tell that she had been crying. That in itself was of concern to me, but what worried me more was the fact that she had been drinking. I could clearly smell the alcohol and I wondered if she had been stupid enough to drive all the way here.
"Hey Anna, don't worry?I took a cab here." Her speech was a little slurred and there was a ghost of a smile on her lips, but it didn't reach her face.
"Cass?babe?what are you doing here?"
"Would it?" She cleared her throat and I could tell that it was taking an effort for her to remain composed." Would it be okay if I crashed at your place tonight?"
"Of course it is. You don't even have to ask that". I was a little surprised at the request. "What about Beth? Does she know where you'll be?"
She shrugged her shoulders. "It doesn't matter to her."
I knew Cass and I knew that she would tell me what was on her mind when she was ready, but right now I needed to get her home. If this was bad enough to start her drinking again, then it was bad. The hospital wasn't the place for her to cry on my shoulder. Cass didn't say a word to me again until we were safely at my home and I had made her shower and get some food into her stomach. Now I had a fire going in the living room and I was determined to make her talk.
"Babe, I know that this is hard for you, but I can't help you unless you tell me what's wrong."
"Everything Anna?everything's wrong. My life is going down a fucking toilet and I don't know what to do about it."
"Cass, what is it? Are you and Beth having problems?"
"There may not even be a Beth and I anymore. She's seeing someone else."
"Excuse me?" I was convinced that I had heard wrong "How do you know?"
"She told me. Things haven't been right between us for a while Anna. I still don't know what it was. Maybe we just stopped trying. Anyway, she told me that this guy at work had asked her out and she told him yes."
"She's seeing a guy?" Okay, evidently it was April 1st and no one told me. This had to be a joke. Why would anyone even think of leaving Cassidy?
"I love her Anna, but I don't know if I can give her what she needs. She keeps telling me that she has to do this, that she's confused. Well, so am I. I can't leave her, not when there's even a slight chance that I can prove to her how much I love her. If I could just make her see that we belong together. But how can I stay like this? He doesn't even know about me. He thinks we're just best friends. It kills me every time he calls, every time I see her with him, every time I smell his cologne on her."
She did start to cry then and I did the only thing I could?I held her until she cried herself out and fell asleep. I thought about calling someone but I knew that Cass would never forgive me if I did. So I just lifted her and took her up to my room?one of the advantages of having a six-foot frame. I knew that she would need the contact and I didn't want her waking up alone in the night. We could talk about her drinking in the morning.
It continued like this for while?too long a while if you ask me. In that time, I saw the woman that I knew and loved fade away and I could do nothing about it. Cass wouldn't let me. My relationship with Beth went from being friendly to my hardly speaking to her. I couldn't bring myself to. She was hurting Cass so much and I knew that Sierra and Jesse were beginning to get suspicious. There were dark circles under Cass' eyes and she was losing so much weight that her clothes just hung on her. Couldn't Beth see? Was this ideal of having a traditional life worth what she was doing to Cass? I was the one who held her when she cried as if her pain would never end. I was the one who made sure she didn't drown her sorrows in a bottle. I was the one who was there. It should have been Beth?she was the one who Cass still loved.
I should have known that it was just a matter of time. Cass didn't deal with pain well. I should have known that it would eventually be too much for her to bear. Maybe I just didn't want to think that way?but I had to the last night she called. I don't want to tell you about that. It hurts too much to remember. She was different that night?it was the first time she didn't cry. There was no emotion in her voice, it was almost as if she had gone numb. And when she said goodbye?
I still thank God every day that it was my day off. I guess he didn't want her to die either. I remember praying harder than I had in my whole life on the trip over to Cass' place and it was a miracle in itself that I made it in one piece the way I was driving. I didn't even think to call Beth. I damn near broke down the front door before I remembered that I had a key. My hands were trembling as I tried to get the key in the lock and I had to keep telling myself that I needed to stay calm. I practically ran through the house calling to Cass?but she wasn't there. Then I found the note.
It was just sitting there on the kitchen table, folded as neatly as could be. It didn't look dangerous or threatening but something compelled me to read it, and when I did it fell from my hands. I had to lean on the counter as a wave of dizziness tried to consume me. Oh God, what if I was too late. No, I couldn't think like that?I couldn't give up on her. But where was she? Where would she go? Then it hit me?Lakeview Bridge. There was a sense of irony there that wouldn't have escaped her?it was where she and Beth had their first kiss. To her, it would be poetic justice.
I prayed that I was right as, once again, I got into my car and went off. I was. I saw a figure perched on the railings as I drew closer and I knew that it had to be her. I cut the engine, got out of the car and started to run. I had to be in time, but I only got a chance to call out to her once?then she was gone. I swear to you now that my heart stopped beating for an instant and then I was on the phone calling an ambulance. I hoped that I would have need of it and not a coroner. In the second miracle of the night, I somehow managed to get to the bottom unharmed and jumped into the water. She had to be here?but I couldn't find her.
I searched and searched, finally getting help from some drivers who had seen what had happened and actually stopped to offer assistance. It was a full three minutes later when we did find her and by that time the ambulance had arrived. The paramedics were barreling their way down to us but I had no time to notice these things?Cass wasn't breathing. But I made her breath. I prayed to any God that was listening and I did everything I could. Another irony?that was the first time I tasted her lips. How I wished it could have been under different circumstances.
The next few hours went in a blur. There were lights and police officers and explanations that needed to be made. The wheeled Cass off to the operating room and I finally got a chance to let the events sink in. I didn't know if she would survive. I cried like a baby?then I called Beth. She wasn't home so I tried her cell phone, and was enraged when I heard a man's voice.
"Hello?"
"Um?hello. I'd like to speak to Beth please."
"Sure?hang on a sec."
"Hello? This is Beth."
"It's Anna."
"Um?Anna...this really isn't a good time."
"You need to get to the hospital right away." I tried to contol myself.
"Anna, what is it. Did something happen to Cassie?"
"Cass tried to kill herself. She's in surgery?I don't know if she'll make it. Just get here." Then I hung up the phone. I knew I had been harsh, but I didn't feel much like being understanding at the moment?so sue me.
I changed my clothes, sat in the waiting area and did what I was supposed to?I waited. How many times had I seen people waiting in this very room for information on their loved ones? I had never been on this side of the fence before?it sucked. I kept thinking about how small Cass had looked when I pulled her out of the water. I could always lift her easily with her being a full six inches shorter than me, but she had been practically weightless. I shuddered against the memory and tried to block it out. Beth go there about half an hour later. I knew that I should be angry, but looking at her now all I felt was pity. She would have to live with this for the rest of her life.
"Hello Beth."
"Anna, where is she? What's going on? And what's this?" She held out her hand and in it was the note, only now it was crumpled. I didn't know if I had done that, or if she did.
"Have you read it yet?"
"Yes."
"Then you know as much as I do. She tried to kill herself tonight. She took a dive of off Lakeview Bridge and she'd be dead already if I hadn't gotten there. They still don't know if she's going to pull through." I watched as Beth slumped in a chair.
"Oh God. What have I done? You must hate me."
"I should, and I thought I would?but right now I'm too concerned about Cass to hate you."
"That's okay. I hate myself enough for everyone."
Not everyone, I thought. If Cass doesn't make it through this then we'll have two dead bodies on our hands 'cause Sierra's going to kill you.
"That doesn't matter right now Beth. We just need to wait and see what happens."
We waited for about four hours before Cass finally got out of surgery. She was still unconscious and we wouldn't know if there had been any brain damage until she woke up. I hadn't wanted to call Sierra before because I knew that she would just be here pacing, but now was the time. When I got back, I saw Beth reading the crumpled not again.
"Beth?"
She jumped a little and turned to face me.
"Hey, Anna."
"How are you holding up, kiddo?" That had been a running joke between us even though I was only four years her senior. I really should have hated her for all the pain she put Cass through. God knows I've hated her before, but she just looked so miserable that I didn't have the heart.
"Okay, I guess. I'm not sure. This all seems unreal, you know? Cassidy was always the strongest person I know."
I leaned in closer and wrapped an arm around her, trying to give her the comfort I knew she needed.
"Don't give up on her yet Beth. She's still in there somewhere and she's going to need you when she finds her way back."
"Isn't that why we're in this fucking hospital Anna, because I gave up on Cassie?"
Many thoughts ran through my head then and I'm sure many emotions were visible on my face. I knew then that this hadn't been as easy as I had thought on Beth. A part of her still truly loved Cass. It was so easy to love her. Beth looked at me strangely then and I was afraid that my eyes had given too much away?that my love had shone through..
"I'm not here to pass judgment on you Beth. I don't agree with you did and what you've been doing, but this is neither the time nor the place to go into that. There is a woman in there who would rather die than be without you and right now there is still no guarantee that she is going to make it. But if she does, are you going to be there for her? Because if you're not, then you need to walk away now and never look back." I am ashamed to admit it now, but a part of me hoped that she would walk away.
"I don't know if I can walk away again Anna, but I don't know if I can be a part of the life that she needs. I don't know if she can be a part of the life that I need."
"You need to make that decision Beth. Not knowing if each day was the day that you were going to walk out or tell her you were going to stay was hurting her more than anything else."
"I need to make things right Anna. I just don't know how."
She buried her head in my shoulder then, and I let her cry. I held her just as I had held Cass countless times before. I didn't know what was going to happen, but I knew that if?when Cass woke up I would never let her hurt like that again. I would give her a reason to live somehow.
.
"What the fuck is happening here?!"
And now the fireworks were about to begin. Sierra looked about as pissed off as I have ever seen her, and I couldn't say that I blamed her. I left Beth's side and made my way across the room. While I was pretty sure that I could take Sierra in a fair fight, I wasn't about to try for Beth's sake. Again, the part of me that was loyal to Cass said that this was Beth's mess and she had to get out of it on her own. I saw her hand Sierra the note and decide this was a good time to go check on Cass?and ready a trauma team if necessary. Hopefully Jesse could defuse the situation until I got back.
I steeled myself to go into her darkened room and my heart fell when there was no reaction to my flicking the light on. I had hoped she would have awakened by now. I made my way slowly to the foot of the bed and read the chart there. She was going to be in some serious pain for a while?internal injuries, broken bones?a broken spirit. She looked so small lying there. Her face was a patchwork of bruises and her legs were covered in casts. I went and sat in the chair next to her and I couldn't stop the tears that fell from my eyes. This was the woman that I loved and she was fighting for her life. I wished it was a battle I could fight for her. I took her hand in mine and hoped she could hear me.
"Baby, you've got to open those beautiful brown eyes for me. Everyone's waiting for you, Sierra, Jesse?even Beth. They're all here waiting for you to come back to us. I don't know what I'd do without you?I don't ever want to find out. I love you Cass?I love you more than you'll ever know. No matter what happens, I'll take care of you?just?just come back to me."
I kissed her hand and got up, intent on making my way back outside. That's when I heard it.
"Anna?"
I spun around, convinced that I had been imagining things, but her eyes were open and she was looking straight at me. I wanted to laugh, to dance, and to burst into tears all at the same time. I didn't care if she had heard me say that I loved her?we could deal with that later. The point was that now there would be a later. I ran to her side as she started to cough a little.
"It hurts."
"I know it does baby. Let me get you something for the pain."
"Wait?.don't go yet."
"I'm not going anywhere baby. Are you okay for a while?" I sat next to her and took her hand again.
"I'll live?thanks to you."
"I am so mad at you right now. How could you do something so stupid?"
"I had my reasons."
"I know what your reasons were. I read the note. Don't you dare to think that you have nothing to live for ever again, you hear me? You have me?you'll always have me."
"It?it was just so hard."
"I know angel?I know?but we're here for you now, okay?"
"Is Beth outside?"
"Yes, she is. Would you like me to send her in?"
"I suppose we need to get this over with." A pause. "What if she doesn't want to stay anymore Anna? What if she really wants to leave?"
"Then we deal with it together?got it?"
"Yes ma'am." She squeezed my hand weakly and I left, dimming the lights on my way out. I didn't want to leave but I knew that there were some things that she needed to work out now, and Beth needed to be there. Thankfully, when I got back to the waiting room, there were no signs of bloodshed.
"Beth? She's awake. She's asking for you."
"She's?in a lot of pain. She went into the water very hard so she had some internal injuries and broken bones. The surgeons have done the best they can and she should be alright but she's going to need some physical therapy to regain full use of her left leg. I think everything that could be broken in there was. There doesn't seem to be any brain damage from being deprived of oxygen so long though."
Sierra looked like she was on the verge of tears but I wouldn't put money on her crying in front of us. Beth, however, did burst into tears and ended up being comforted by Jesse. I was no longer in the mood. I just wanted to get back to Cass.
"Beth, do you want to go see her now?"
Sierra began to protest and I was 100% with her on that one. I didn't want Beth to have anything to do with Cass right now. She was still too fragile?but I could deny Cass nothing and right now she wanted Beth. We all watched her walk to the door and then go in.
"If she ever does anything to hurt Cassie like that again, I'm going to fucking kill her."
You won't have to Sierra. I'll find a way to do it myself.
"Anna, sweetheart, how are you holding up?"
I wasn't surprised that it was Jesse who asked the question. She was the only one who knew how I really felt about Cass. I looked fearfully at Sierra but she was off in her own little painful world.
"As well as can be expected, I guess."
"Anna, tell me what happened? Who found her?" I guessed that Jesse had come in late and she hadn't yet read the note. Lucky me. I got to be the one to tell her everything..
"I did. She called me and I could tell she had been crying. She told me not to worry about her anymore?that everything was going to be alright. I?I got scared. There was just something in her voice?so I went over and she wasn't there. I found a note on the kitchen table and that's when I knew what she was planning."
"You knew about all this before?"
"Yes." I felt a twinge of guilt then. Maybe if I had gone against her wishes and told someone what was going on? "She didn't want anyone to know. You know how Cass is?she didn't want to admit that Sierra was right."
"How did you know where she was? Did she say in the note?"
"No, but I remembered her saying that the first time she knew she loved Beth was when the looked at the sunset together from Lakeview Bridge. It was the night they first kissed?I just figured. I?I saw her jump, Jess. I called out to her but I couldn't stop her. All I could do was get to the bottom and hope she was still alive."
A lone tear made it's way down my face and Jesse left me alone after that. I knew that she still had a lot of questions and I would answer what I could later. But right now my heart felt like it had been put through a blender. I didn't know what to feel?and I was worried about what was going on in that room. I would find out soon enough for Beth came out after a while.
"I'm leaving her."
"You're doing what?" I nearly lost it then. I nearly forgot the oath I had taken to take care of people. I just wanted to wring some sense into her.
"I have to?. I can't keep hurting her. She deserves someone who can love her and be there for her always. I can't be that person. I think I've already proven that."
I needn't have bothered about losing my temper, Sierra did that for me and popped Beth one right in the face. She fell back against the wall and her hand went to her jaw, but she didn't look surprised. Neither was I. Still, I pulled her away and back to Jesse?no need for any more of this tonight. The healing could begin tomorrow. I treated Beth for a dislocated jaw and sent her home, where she could be out of harm's way. I had to believe that someone, maybe me, might try to run her over tonight. Sierra wanted to go to Cass immediately, but Jesse held her back and told me to go in instead. I was a little surprised at this but her eyes were warm and encouraging. I wasn't an opportunist. I wasn't going to say that Beth was out of the picture and now I had my chance. I just wanted to be there for Cass and hope that one day I could be the one to help her heal?if she'll let me. I don't care how long it takes. I love her enough to wait a lifetime.
~~~~~~~~~~
So Sierra, Jesse?and Beth made it their mission to get us together. Surprised that I mentioned Beth? Well, there was a lot of talking and a lot of tears, but some wounds were mended and Beth was accepted back into our family. She was on probation for a while but she passed. They were so subtle about it too?you'd have to be as dumb as a rock to not figure out what they were trying to do. Cass and I used to laugh about it all the time. I knew she wasn't ready yet?she needed to learn to trust again so I never pushed. I hoped that I could show her I'd always be there. Eventually, she let me in.
There wasn't anything spectacular about that night?certainly nothing that would indicate it was going to be the night that my dreams came true. We were having dinner at my place, which had become a regular occurrence any night that I didn't have to be on call. After dinner we just lazed around on the couch holding each other and I had almost dozed off against her when I heard Cass say something.
"What was that babe?"
"I said that I just wanted to thank you."
"For what?"
"For saving my life?for everything."
I moved to protest but she rested a finger on my lips and I felt a little spark shoot through me.
"You saved me Anna?not just that night. You saved me from myself so many times. You've always been there for me and I don't know how I would have gone on if it hadn't been for you."
She moved to kiss me on the cheek and I gasped a little when I felt her lips on my skin. My heart was pounding out of my chest at having her so close like this. She pulled away a little and looked into my eyes, almost as if she were asking permission. I must have given it because she leaned in again, but this time she kissed me on the lips. I felt my eyes closing and my hand snaked into her hair. She pulled away again and this time it was I who closed the distance between us. Our kisses grew more passionate and I opened my mouth to let her tongue in. I wanted more. I wanted to make love to her. I wanted to feel her deep inside me. I pushed her down into the couch and started working my way down her neck. I felt her hands make their way into my blouse and I almost came then and there. I had wanted this so long.
We made love everywhere that night?on the sofa, in my bedroom, in the shower?um?on the kitchen table. I had never felt so much passion in my life. She was everything that I had imagined and more than I could have hoped for. I damn near lost my voice that night and I am blushing as I write this. In the morning, I knew that I could not spend another moment without her. I asked her to move in with me as soon as she woke up. She thought I was joking at first but then she said yes, and my heart leapt. We have been together ever since.
We are Beth's house now?all of us. Bethany and Adrian refuse to leave Cassie alone and, even though she professes to not being fond of children, I know that she is loving every minute of it. My darling is nothing but a big softie at heart. I can see Beth looking at her and I feel the beginnings of jealousy, but then Cassie looks over to me and I can see the love in her eyes. Beth will always have a place in Cassie's heart but it was me that she chose to be with. Even after Steven's accident, when I gave her the option to leave and go back to Beth, she still chose me. She is carrying my child. A part of me is growing inside her?and it truly is a part of me. Cassie would have it no other way and she can be very persuasive. Each time I think about how much she has brought to my life tears come to my eyes, as they do now. I look around?at Cassie? at Sierra? at Beth? at everyone, and I know that I have everything and everyone I need right here.
Cassidy's Story.
How did things get this way babe? We used to be so good together?so much in love. That's what all our friends used to say. Do you even remember that now?how much they used to say that they wanted to find what we had? I am beginning to disgust myself now. I always thought I was worth more than this. I find myself fascinated by the light reflecting off the clearish brown liquid in my glass, as if it holds the answers I so desperately seek. I am on the verge of drunkenness?I have to be to get my courage up for what must be done. I cannot live without you.
Did you know that I never believed in love, until I looked into your eyes? As clichéd as it sounds, I remember the first time I saw you as if it were yesterday. You were walking into my dorm and someone must have said something funny because your face suddenly lit up. I swear it brightened the room. I think I said hello, and the bluest eyes that I had ever seen rewarded me by turning in my direction. I fell in love with you a little bit that day?I just didn't realize it until later.
We became very close friends after that. I had my other friends, people that I would hang out with, but I found myself wanting to spend every waking moment with you?only you. I thought you would have freaked if you found out I was gay?but it didn't even phase you. I honestly think you were more curious than upset. We were sitting on your bed, in your room, and you were busily telling me about some guy or the other. I wasn't really paying attention?I jut loved to see the way your lips moved.
"Cassie? Cassidy, are you listening to me?"
"Um?what? Oh, of course I am."
"Then what did I just say?"
"Something about some guy?" I was going out on a limb here.
"Oh for heaven's sake! Don't you even care that one of the hottest guys on campus was practically drooling over you?"
"Not particularly."
"I can't believe you?anyone else would be in tailspin right now and you're acting as if I just told you what time it was."
"I honestly don't care Beth. Brad just isn't my type." Or my gender?now his sister?
"I don't get it. I've known you for months now and I haven't seen you go out on a single date. You don't like dating?"
Well, I guess I had to bite the bullet sometime. Might as well get this over with so she could throw me out and I could make it back to my room before bedtime.
"I like dating just fine?I just don't like boys."
"Come again?"
"I don't like boys?I like girls. I'm gay."
"Oh?ohhhh?okay. That's cool." Then she started to laugh. I thought she had finally lost it.
"Um?isn't this supposed to be the part where you throw me out? And just what is so funny?"
"The look on your face?it was just so priceless."
"Why do I get the feeling that I'm missing something here?"
"You are?I already knew, silly. I overheard one of your exes talking to her friends. Apparently you, my dear, are very?um?talented."
I had the good grace to blush then and you went into even louder fits of laughter. I was relieved to say the least, but I didn't really enjoy myself that night?not when you spent it asking questions about my 'talents' and I spent it trying not to blush. But even though you were so accepting of me?of my lifestyle?I never expected you to want to be a part of it. Even when I realized that what I felt for you went way beyond just friendship, I never expected that you could feel the same way too. But you did.
Do you remember that night out on Lakeview Bridge? It had been a perfect day. You had spent the night at my place and when I woke up, your head wsa buried in my neck?I could feel your breath on my skin. You woke up and I thought I sw something flicker in your eyes?but then it was gone and I thought it was my imagination. We spent the rest of the day together?walking in the park, having an impromptu picnic, just taking?and in the evening you wanted to see the sunset from the bridge. I held your hand as we stood awed by brilliant oranges and pinks?and when I turned to you again, I knew that this wasn't my imagination. You kissed me for the first time that night and my heart belonged to you alone from that moment on.
We were so good together?I thought it would last forever. That's why I stood up for you so much. That's why I got into so many arguments with my sister. She thought you would hurt me?that you would leave once the novelty wore off. I knew better. You wouldn't hurt me. You couldn't. That's what you always said?that you would die before you would ever hurt me. I believed you. I believed in our future when we moved in together. It almost seemed that fate had conspired to find us our own place and the first night we spent there together, I knew that I had found a home.
It didn't last though, did it? Maybe we were just too different. Maybe the novelty did wear off. Maybe I just wasn't good enough for you; after all you still hid me. You hid me from your family. You hid me from you co-workers. You hid me from everyone who didn't know about us in college. But it made you happy and I played along. I couldn't ask you to give up so much for me. I thought at least that eventually you'd want to. That was before you met someone who could be to you all the things that I couldn't.
I had met Steven a few times at the office. He seemed like a nice guy and certainly you though so. You always said that you never knew guys like him existed. It didn't bother me. I was happy that you had found a friend. How much more naïve could I have been? I might as well have given him a key to our bedroom from the start. You started blowing me off for him. You'd stay at the office and have lunch with him, instead of meeting me. It hurt at first but I just couldn't see what I didn't want to. I should have suspected, and maybe subconsciously I did, but I still had faith in you. And then you came to me and told me that he had asked you out.
We had a long talk then? and you cried ?and I cried. I heard all about your feelings for him. I heard you say that you were so confused because you loved me and you knew that I was the one to make you happy?but he treated you so well. I tried to be understanding. I told you that I would be there for you, no matter what, and I let you go. And a part of me died inside. I have been dying little by little ever since. Every time you tell me you still love me?and then tell him the same thing when he calls. Every time you kiss me when you get home?and I know where your lips have been. Do you remember the first time I saw his marks on you? You actually wore a t-shirt to bed. Did you really think I wouldn't see that you looked like you had been mauled?
Did you really think that I wouldn't know when you started sleeping with him? Did you really think that the whispered conversations wouldn't raise my suspicions? Did he know that I had been where he was now?fucking you? Of course he didn't. He thought that I was just your friend?you best friend. That's why he couldn't understand why I didn't want him at our place?after all, I had no right to be so demanding. Is that why you brought him there anyway, when you knew I wasn't supposed to be home? Is that why I walked in on you and he made a clumsy attempt to hide in the bathroom?so I wouldn't know he was naked? How stupid did you think I was? You really should have cleaned up better babe?never leave reminders when you're cheating on your partner. How did it feel to betray my trust?
I couldn't talk to anyone. Sierra would have either killed you or demand that I leave then and there?and Jesse would have told Sierra. Anna was my rock then. I know she thinks that I don't know how she feels about me, but I've seen the way she looks at me. I know that I could love her, but my heart always belonged to you?and I'm not the cheating kind. Still, it was to her I went when I got tired of spending my nights alone. It was on her shoulder I cried when I couldn't take being used anymore. It was in her bed that I slept when I couldn't get the image of him being inside you?of you telling him to fuck you harder?out of my mind. Does he know what a potty mouth you have babe? I'm sure he does. Do you dig your nails into his back hard enough to leave scars in the morning? I'm sure he enjoys every minute of it.
Still, through all the pain, I could have lived. I could have dulled the pain with alcohol. Anna thinks she's made me stop and I did for a while?but not after last night. Foolish me?I still had hope, even after all the betrayals. Then you told me it was over. You told me it felt right with him in a way that it never did with us. You told me that you wanted to spend the rest of your life with him?but you still loved me. You told me that he was the person for you?but he still wasn't me. You wanted me to a part of your big happy family, so that I would never be alone. You don't get it do you? I already am.
You were it for me. You were supposed to be the one who never left. You promised. And now you've broken that promise. You took every want and every need that I had, and you put it behind yours...and his. You made him your world as you watched mine crumble. You knew of all the betrayals in my past?and you chose to become one of them. I cannot live with this pain. I will not live with this pain.
I am no condition to drive and for an instant I am worried that I might get myself killed. Then the irony of that hit me, considering what I was about to do. I leave the note on the kitchen table and I start locking up. I have one more thing to do before I leave. I have to call Anna and let her know that there was nothing more she could have done?that I would be eternally grateful for what she had tried to do. Maybe I would have been better off had I allowed myself to love her. I hang up the phone and get into my car. I know that the bridge would be practically deserted this time of day?it was a view for lovers at sunset. It seemed appropriate somehow that the story should end where it began.
It really is a beautiful view?the trees, the lake in the distance?everything. I look down from the railing where I am perched into the river below. It isn't raging, by any stretch of the word, but the fall should more than do what needs to be done. I was never good at judging distances, but this is high enough. It is time?too much thinking has already been done. I stand and steady myself. In the distance I think I hear a voice calling my name but it must be my imagination. No one knows I am here. I take a deep breath?and then I jump. As I am falling, I have a moment to think how much like flying this is. It is a wonderful feeling?flying and accepting my fate. I hit the water and there is a momentary pain, but it is gone in an instant and I know only blackness?.
~~~~~~~~~~
I must be dead. Then why does my head hurt so much? Why can't I open my eyes? And where is that voice coming from?
Those were the thoughts in my head as I struggled towards wakefulness. I felt as if I were still in the water?sluggish and heavy?but the fog in my brain was clearing a little and I was able to recognize the voice as Anna's. Unless she had followed me in my fate, I wasn't dead. What was she saying? She is telling me that she loves me and she is crying. It is the first time that I have heard her say it, and I cannot bear to be the reason for her tears. She stood to go and I knew that I needed to make her hear me. It took all the energy that I had but I finally managed to open my eyes.
"Anna?"
She spun around and I could see the joy and relief in her eyes, as well as a little bit of fear. She didn't know if I had heard her. I wasn't going to give up her secrets yet so I pretended that I hadn't, as I as wracked by a coughing fit. My entire body hurt and I couldn't move my legs. I realized that they were in casts. Just how much damage had I taken?
"It hurts."
"I know it does baby. Let me get you something for the pain."
"Wait?don't go yet." I didn't want to be alone?not yet. I still wasn't sure whether or not I was glad to be alive.
"I'm not going anywhere baby. Are you okay for a while?"
"I'll live?thanks to you." Somehow I knew that Anna was the one who saved me. It just seemed right.
"I am so mad at you right now. How could you do something so stupid?"
"I had my reasons."
"I know what your reasons were. I read the note. Don't you dare to think that you have nothing to live for ever again, you hear me? You have me?you'll always have me."
"It?it was just so hard." And it was, but for the first time, I felt some shame. I was so consumed with my own pain that I didn't stop to consider what my actions would have meant to everyone else.
"I know angel?I know?but we're here for you now, okay?"
"Is Beth outside?" I didn't want to ask?I didn't want to feel that pain again?but I knew I had to. We had to get this over and done with. I needed to move on?to start healing, or at least trying to.
"Yes, she is. Would you like me to send her in?"
"I suppose we need to get this over with. What if she doesn't want to stay anymore Anna? What if she really wants to leave?"
"Then we deal with it together?got it?" And I knew she meant it. It gave me hope?and courage.
"Yes ma'am."
She dimmed the lights a little before she left and as I lay there, I felt a stirring in my stomach that had nothing to do with my injuries. I was nervous. I was afraid. I knew that I was going to beg her to stay?and deep down I knew she wouldn't. I heard the door open once again and I steeled myself.
"Cassie?" She sounded unsure of herself, as if she was afraid her voice would make me bolt?not hat I could go anywhere in these casts.
"Hey."
"I guess it's a silly question but how are you feeling?"
"Like I almost died?but I guess that's a fair representation." It was a silly question, but I felt compelled to answer.
"Do you remember anything about what happened?"
"I remember everything Beth." I didn't want to. I didn't want to remember what I had done or the pain that drove me there. She took my hand and all I felt was that pain?that ache in my heart, coupled with a few more physical aches. I saw the tears that came to her eyes and I wished I could wipe them away. God, I was still in love with her.
"I'm so sorry baby. I never meant to do this to you."
"I did this to myself Beth. I let the pain get the better of me." It was true. I did this. I could have walked away. I could have given her an ultimatum. I could have handled things differently.
"No. I did this. Let me take the responsibility for once. I decided that I wanted something else, but I wanted to keep what I had too. That was wrong of me. You deserve so much more than that."
"But I want you." It was my eyes that the tears came to this time, partly because it was true and partly because it wasn't. I did want her?I always did, but I couldn't fight any more.
"I know, but you deserve someone who wouldn't even have to think about choosing you. You deserve someone who would always put your needs first, no matter what. I can't give you the life you need, but you knew that already, didn't you?" I did. I couldn't spend the rest of my life being her 'best friend'. I needed to be with someone who could give me as much as I could give them. It wasn't Beth's fault, and I couldn't force her to live a life that would make her unhappy. I couldn't go places with her the way he could. I couldn't give her a real marriage. I couldn't be him. I couldn't be acceptable.
"I don't want to be alone."
"You will never be alone. I always want to be a part of your life. I'm always going to be your friend and your shoulder to cry on. Don't forget, you still have Sierra and Jesse?and Anna." There was something in her eyes when she said Anna's name and it puzzled me a bit. Did she know about my best friend's feelings for me? Was she trying to tell me something?
"What are you talking about Beth?"
"We all love you Cassie?even me. I know you don't believe that and I haven't given you any reason to. I have broken all my promises to you. I have hurt you more than anyone else in your life?and I know that was a big task. I can't expect you to ever trust me again. I can only hope that one day you'll forgive me. And the thing that breaks my heart the most is that I can't be there for you. I can't be the one to hold you and make it better because I'm the one who put you here. I can't help you heal."
"I know." I was crying in earnest now.
"But there's someone who can?and she's right outside. She can be there for you, if you let her. I know that I have no right to ask anything of you but I'm asking you this?promise me that you won't shut her out."
"I can't be with anyone else right now Beth. I can't even think about that."
"I'm not asking you to. I'm just asking you to let her be there for you. We both know Anna?she won't push. She's going to be there for you in any way you need. Just let her."
She held me as I cried and for the first time in a long while, I started feeling that things would be okay?eventually. It still hurt, but that would ease in time. She was right?I had to move on with my life. I had to take some time for myself, to find myself, and when the time was right I would be able to love again. I looked at the door a long time after she left. I needed to think. I heard about Sierra's little temper tantrum later, when she came in with sore knuckles and tried to hide them. I didn't know if she was going to hug me or hit me?thankfully she hugged me. I got the feeling that Jesse had something to do with her not trying to finish what I had started. I think that was the first real heart-to-heart conversation I have ever had with my sister. It was the silver lining on a very dark cloud.
Well, that and Anna and I. She offered to take me in when I was discharged from the hospital but Sierra would have none of it. I don't think she wanted to let me out of her sight again. It was a good thing too. I don't think I could have handled Anna having to bathe me. As it was, Jesse made light of the fact that she could get to see the two hottest sisters in town naked anytime she wanted to. It did wonders for my ego, but I'll never tell Sierra that. She would not be amused.
Anna came by practically everyday, and she would stay over at my place when I could finally walk on my own. She took me to the hospital for my physical therapy appointments. She encouraged me when the depression set in. She was always there for me?and little by little I started to let her it. It felt right being with her. I missed her company when she wasn't around. I knew it was selfish but I wanted her around me all the time.
Sierra, Jesse and Beth conspired to get us together. To say that they were obvious about it would be an understatement. They were always dropping hints and coming up with lame excuses when we were all supposed to go out together so it ended up being just Anna and me, but I knew the time wasn't right yet. It was right that night.
It was almost a year to the day since my 'accident'. That was how everyone referred to it now. We were at Anna's place, in here living room to be exact. She had a fire going. We were full and content to just rest against each other on the sofa, just staring at the embers glow. I could smell the shampoo in her hair and she was wearing my favorite perfume. It felt so good having her in my arms?it felt so right. I finally felt that I was able to really trust again and it was all because of her. I nuzzled her hair and whispered a 'thank you'. She must have been dozing of because she seemed startled.
"What was that babe?"
"I said that I just wanted to thank you."
"For what?"
"For saving my life?for everything." Don't you know how much you've done for me?
She tried to say something but I rested a finger on her lips?her very soft lips. I needed to get this out before my courage escaped me.
"You saved me Anna?not just that night. You saved me from myself so many times. You've always been there for me and I don't know how I would have gone on if it hadn't been for you."
I moved to kiss her on the cheek and my senses were overwhelmed by her scent. I heard a small gasp escape her and I drew back. I looked into her eyes. I needed to be sure that this was what she wanted. All I saw reflected there was a love so strong that I felt tears coming to my eyes. How could I have not seen it all those years before? I kissed her, on the lips, and my heart leapt to my throat. I felt like I couldn't breath?I wanted her so much. I drew back again and almost instantly her lips were on mine again. She opened her mouth to me, and I tasted her tongue for the first time. I let her feel mine. It wasn't enough. I needed more. I needed naked skin on skin.
She must have heard my thought s because she pushed me down into the couch and started kissing a trail down my neck. She nipped me here and there and I knew I would be sporting her marks in the morning. I felt her hand on my breast and I arched my back into her touch. I needed her now. I reached under her blouse and I felt her tremble. She wasn't wearing a bra. I nearly passed out right then. Our passions grew and when she reached into my jeans?I was so very wet for her.
We made love everywhere that night?and I do mean everywhere. I am never going to be able to eat at that table again. And when it was over, we were both too drained to move but it was a beautiful feeling. He held me that night and I slept better than I had in a very, very long time. When I opened my eyes the next morning, she was right there beside me and I knew that this was where I belonged. I was a little surprised when she asked me to move in, but I wasn't going to let her slip out of my grasp. I said yes and I have been saying yes to her ever since.
~~~~~~~~~~
Five years have passed since the night I almost ended it all. I thank God each day that I didn't. I have so much to live for now. My sister and I are closer than we have ever been. Beth and I have managed to mend all our fences as well, and we are actually very good friends. We have been there for each other through many things through the years. I like to think that I helped her cope with Steven's loss. I know it was hard for her, but she still has the children to remind her of him. They are little angels. I hope my own child comes out half a sweet as they are. If she takes after Anna, she will be. And why not? After all, she is my darling's biological child. I'm just a giant incubator. Just kidding. It warms my heart to know that a piece of Anna is growing inside me. I would have it no other way. Besides, why would I curse a child with my ears?
We all live within a two mile radius of each other and I am glad for that. This is my family and families should stick together. At the moment, we are all at Beth's house and I am starting to feel a little tired. Beth's kids love me and while I am usually up to spending hours and hours with them, the pregnancy has put a strain on me. Anna is, as usual, my shadow. I love her to death but if she doesn't leave me alone for two seconds, I'm going to smack her. I know that if roles were reversed, I would be worse so I cut her some slack. Sierra and Jesse are off talking and I know something that my sister doesn't, but that's Jesse's secret?although it won't be a secret for long.
I am happy. For the first time in my life, I am truly happy. I still see sadness in Beth's eyes sometimes, especially when Anna's hand is on my stomach and I know she is thinking of all those conversations we had of having children of our own. But she still has me. She still has all of us?and things had to happen the way they did. We each had to find our own place?and mine is here. I look around?at Anna? at Sierra? at Beth? at everyone, and I know that I have everything and everyone I need right here.
The End.