Absolution 2

Two weeks later I received word that my grandmother had a heart attack and I was to come home at once. That day Francesca found me sitting in the dark when she got home. My life was catching up with me. I could feel it. The dark clouds were rolling in and there was nothing I could do to stop them. Nothing could hold back the storm now. I left for Spain that same night.

Francesca and I agreed that I should go alone and then I would arrange things for her to follow later. She had agreed to my leaving without her. I needed the comfort of her and yet she was the last person I wanted to be with me at this time. This made no sense just as my life made no sense.

I arrived in Spain nine hours later. Within two hour of my arrival I was running into my grandmother’s house. I ran straight up to her room. She died 30 minutes later. It was finished. I remember walking out of her room without saying a word. I went inside the library and locked the door.

It all seemed so unreal. I was wrapped in a haze I could not breathe in. And yet I knew that if I were to venture out it, it would kill me. My grandmother was dead. And with her went the last living person who knew the real truth.

After a few hours I walked up the stairs to where her body rested. I passed by weeping servants. I reached the door to her bedroom and turned the doorknob. Walking in I slowly went to the foot of her bed. Her body lay there motionless. I stayed in the room alone with her until they came to take her body away. I spoke to no one.

~~~~~~~~~~

A week later, dressed in mourning clothes, I sat in front of her lawyer, Licenciado Marcelo Bustamante. He had arranged this meeting so that her Last Will and Testament might be read.

I sat in silence as he read on and on about how she had wanted her property distributed. She had left some things to close friends and people that had served her throughout the years, but the balk of her estate was left solely to me.

I was now a very wealthy woman. After signing all the required papers the attorney handed me an envelope.

"Your grandmother asked that you should be given this envelope upon her death." I took the envelope from him. "I presume you want the present arrangements to remain in place at the hospitals?"

I looked at him and nodded my agreement. What I remember the most about that meeting was my sense of detachment. I felt nothing. There was no emotion inside me. She had never said anything to me and I remember that at that moment I hated her for not having given me a choice. I had never ever been given a choice. Not ever, not by anyone.

"Gracias," I said, then got up and walked out of his office.

I don't know how long I walked. I just walked. I needed to keep moving. If I stopped the pain would catch up with me. If I stopped I might have to see what I was running away from.

I was torn between anger and guilt. I should have been with her. Every time I spoke with her she was asking me to come home. She must have known that she was dying. She needed me and I had not come. She had loved me, nursed me, scolded me, consoled me, taught me right from wrong and never for one moment complained. She had also deceived me. I was all she had in this world and knowing she was ill, I had left her. She should have told me. God, she should have told me.

~~~~~~~~~~

I arrived home to be met with a message from Francesca. She was in Spain and wanted to see me. She was staying at the Ritz-Carlton in Madrid. I went into the library without saying a word after Jaime, the major-domo, had given me the message.

I sat behind the desk and dialed the number that Jaime had handed me. I hung up the phone before the second ring. I couldn't do this. I was afraid. I wanted to run to her for comfort but I was afraid.

I had not contacted her since my arrival one week ago. I couldn't do this anymore. My past had haunted me my whole life and now it was going to kill me. I might still survive this if I never saw her again. Why? Why had life conspired against me?

I went upstairs to my room, removed my clothes and went to bed. I wanted to close my eyes and never wake up ever again. When I laid my head down on my pillow the tears just came. For a week I had not been able to cry and now I was drowning in the tears of my pain. I cried for my grandmother, the woman who had raised and protected me. I cried for the family I had lost as a child. I cried for all the things I now knew and wanted to forget. And finally, I cried for myself. Because somewhere along the way the child that I was just stopped existing and the woman I was now came into being.

The next day I got up very late. I told Jaime that if Francesca called not to pass the call to me. And if she should insist he was to say I would not see her. I was running. I was running as quickly as I could. In a few days I would leave Spain and never come back. If I was lucky she would never find me and I might find some peace. If not, I might loose my sanity. In a few days; just a few more days.

I finished speaking with the lawyers and explained that I wanted to liquidate all my assets. I told them that I would be leaving Spain within the week. They had been surprised but I would not be talked out of it. I finished my breakfast in the terrace and afterward I just wondered around the house remembering my childhood there.

I went to the library for a book that afternoon when I saw the purse I had left on top of the desk along with the envelope. I remembered the envelope and decided that it was time I read it. It wasn't going to get easier, so I might just as well read it.

I opened the envelope and along with a letter was a diary. The letter began with:

My Dearest Granddaughter,

As my eyes scanned the words my mind could not believe what they were saying. I still could not believe she had known. She had known all along what had happened. It was all there. And when I read it all, the pages just fell from my hands to the floor. She should have told me.

The past came back with the force and the unpredictability of a tidal wave. My eyes closed as a scream rose from within me and escaped my lips. "NO!!!!"

Excerpts from my mother’s diary brought back the past with the reality and insight I had not been able to grasp as a child. It was the past my grandmother had tried to protect me from. It was a story within my own. And the puzzles started to form a tapestry with such complexity I did not want to see and could not escape.

"Stefan you're driving too fast!" Carlotta said as the Porsche took yet another sharp turn. "Stefan, remember the girls are in the car, slow down!" She was yelling now. Maria put her little hand in mind and squeezed hard.

"All right," Stefan answered, finally slowing down.

"You know Maria has a very sensitive stomach. If she gets sick we won't be going out tonight." Carlotta reminded Stefan. He breathed hard in frustration.

"You're always overreacting with her. Cristina had the measles and you left her to go on a shopping spree to Paris," he retaliated.

"Cristina is stronger than Maria. Cristina can take care of herself."

"Cristina is just a child Carlotta. She's only eight years old."

"I don't want to fight tonight, Stefan," she announced and stared out the window.

That was the signal that my mother gave when the conversation was over. I had heard many fights like this. They were common to me. I always wondered why she didn't love me. I still wonder to this day. I needed her so much and she never seemed to notice. Not that my father was that loving either. When he referred to that trip to Paris he omitted to add that he had accompanied my mother.

The person that my sister and I truly felt loved by was mother’s mother. Grandmama spoiled us and truly made us feel wanted and welcomed when we would go and visit. We did not visit very often. My parents always had some other place that they wanted to be. I always wondered why they bothered to drag us along. In retrospect, I believe it was out of guilt. They must have loved us in their own way. I honestly believe that is was guilt and the knowledge of what would people say if they were never around.

Before we got back to the villa, papa did speed up again and poor little Maria did get sick. He was furious that she had gotten sick in his car. When we pulled up the drive he hopped out of the car with disgust.

"Get her out of the car right now! It stinks in there!" He yelled at mother.

At that moment, the front door opened and a young woman started walking toward the car. Mother went around to get Maria out of the car. Papa noticed the young woman right away and smiled. Mother was looking at papa and her eyes followed his eyes. A smile appeared on her face as well.

"Stefan, this is Francesca, Victoria and Marcel's daughter." Mother told papa. He walked up to the girl and kissed her on the cheek.

"Very lovely, very lovely indeed. Dios Mio, I remember you when you were a child and now you are a beautiful young woman," he said in the charming way he had. The girl blushed.

"She and Victoria will be here in France for the next few weeks. Perhaps we can take Francesca to Italy with us when we go next week." Mother suggested. My father smiled and nodded his head.

Mama took Maria inside and papa lingered outside. When I closed the car door he remembered my presence. He looked in my direction and I could see he resented my being there. Papa never lost an opportunity to flirt with the ladies. Oh, the ladies. I was in the way. This was to be his next conquest. I lowered my eyes and started walking towards the house.

"Are you Cristina?" The girl asked. I looked up and that was the first time I saw Francesca's smile. She knelt down in front of me and her hand went out to me. I put my hand in hers and nodded.

"Your grandmother has told me so much about you," she said sweetly. I smiled into her beaming face.

I heard papa clear his throat and looked up to see his frowning face. I pulled my hand away from her and walked toward the house. I had lunch alone since Maria had already been put to bed. She and I usually had our meals together. Mother and father dined alone or usually with friends, but never with us.

After lunch I went into the garden to my favorite secret spot. It was in the loneliest part of the garden. I would sit under a beautiful big tree for hours and dream of a far away world. I would always look up, wonder what it would be like to climb all the way to the top, and see the whole world from up there. I was not allowed to do such things like climbing trees. Mama always said "young girls should be clean and tidy not dirty like those undesirable village children."

So, I would sit under my tree and look up and wonder. That's how Francesca found me.

"Hello Cristina," she said softly. I looked at her and was met again with a smile. "What are you doing here all alone?" she asked gently.

"This is my secret place," I said giving her my only secret. She looked all around her and then back toward me.

"Yes, it’s a beautiful place." She sat down next to me. "This is a big tree. Have you ever tried climbing it?" As she asked, I immediately looked at her as if she knew what I had been thinking.

"I'm not allowed," I answered simply.

She looked suddenly sad. "Why?"

"Mama says I'm suppose to be a lady. Only peasants climb trees." She looked at me tenderly and her hand caressed my cheek. "I know where there is a birds nest with little eggs. Would you like to see it?" I asked her enthusiastically. She smiled and nodded her head.

We spent the afternoon exploring the garden and the woods around the villa. She was kinder to me in those few hours than my mother and father had been to me my whole life. We ran through the woods and played hide and seek. I loved being with her.

Late in the afternoon we started back to the house hand in hand. As we were coming toward the house my mother suddenly appeared and walked out to meet us.

She immediately noticed that I had gotten dirty. I recognized the look of disapproval in her eyes and my hand unconsciously squeezed Francesca’s. She looked down at me and then back to my mother.

"I'm sorry Carlotta if we stayed out too long, but I had such a lovely time exploring with Cristina. She is a lovely child, much like her mother." As she finished speaking mother's face changed.

Mother smiled at Francesca. "I've been waiting to speak with you all afternoon," my mother said charmingly.

"Go and have your bath before dinner, Cristina dear," mother said to me lovingly.

Francesca knelt down in front of me and took both my hands into hers. "Thank you for the loveliest afternoon I've ever had." She gave me a brilliant smile. She then leaned towards me and kissed my cheek. As she stood up again she released my hands, still smiling.

"Go on Cristina," repeated mother.

I walked toward the house. When I reached the door to go inside I looked back and saw mother holding Francisco’s hand and kissing her on the cheek. Then they walked toward the gardens. I could hear my mother laughing as I went in the house.

~~~~~~~~~~

Carlotta led Francesca away from the house. "I have been waiting for you all afternoon," she said softly as she pulled Francesca into an embrace.

"I'm sorry, I really enjoyed being with your daughter. She's very sweet," Francesca answered.

"If you like Cristina, just wait till you see Maria."

"Why do you always do that?" Francesca asked as she pulled away from her and started to pick a flower.

"What?" Carlotta asked, not understanding what she meant.

"Since I've known you, every time we discuss your daughter Cristina you tell me how much better Maria is." She still did not look directly at Carlotta.

Carlotta just stared at Francesca not saying anything else. After a few moments Francesca looked into the eyes of a woman who was wondering.

"Why Carlotta?" She asked looking straight into her eyes.

"You're imagining things," Carlotta looked away, suddenly nervous. Francesca started walking away from her toward the house. "Where are you going?"

"You don't trust me!" Francesca turned to look at her.

"I don't know why I do it. She needs so much. She always has. Maria…well she just loves you back," she stated simply. "Anyway, what does it matter? She doesn't care. All she ever does is go off and stare out into nothing. She is just like my father used to be.”

"How can you be such a bitch with your own daughter?"

"Did you come here for her or for me?" Carlotta asked in anger.

"Shut up Carlotta. Just shut up," Francesca said as she put her arms around her neck. She rubbed her body seductively against the older woman.

"God you drive me crazy," Carlotta said as her lips descended upon Francesca’s waiting mouth. The two women came back to the house from the gardens two hours later.

The diary had begun to take a life of its own. The pages seemed to come alive and the parts that were missing I simply filled in with my memory. I shut the book with such anger that it hurt my hands. They had been lovers.

"No! No! Why her? Of all the people in the world, why my mother?" I closed my eyes shutting them tightly. But, still the tears came and rolled down my cheeks.

Is that why I was like I was? Did I want Francesca because my mother had been that way? I had never even looked at women before I had gone to New York. Did I want Francesca so badly because of what I was obviously exposed to or because I just liked women? I was so confused that I didn't know what to think or do anymore. I wasn't sure whether my actions were my own or brought out for retribution for what they had done to me. They had all lied to me. I hated them. I hated them all.

They had destroyed my childhood, and if that wasn't horrible enough they had made me love them all the while. For I did love them. I had loved them all so much and they had hurt me. They had hurt me but not only that, they taken my sister from me. They had killed my sister. They had killed my sister? It was their fault.

I sat behind the desk for a long time wrapped in a veil of confusion. A feeling of detachment started to take over once again. Oblivion, just existing without any feeling, was comforting. I could not bear another emotion. I could not bear anymore.

Quite suddenly I realized that the room was dark and my attention was directed toward the ringing that had disturbed my state of oblivion. The telephone, it was the telephone ringing that had brought me back.

I felt strangely alienated from my feelings and a numbness overtook me. I saw my hand reaching for the telephone as if I was looking at the hand of another person. I put the receiver next to my ear and said hello in Spanish. "Oigo?" My voice sounded odd even to my ears. All I could think about was the fact that I felt nothing.

"Cristina?" The voice on the other end of the receiver asked.

"Si."

"Cristina, thank God. I have been so worried. I need to see you. I'm coming over to you now. Can you hear me? Cristina did you hear me? It’s Francesca!"

"I know who you are," I said quite simply and without anger.

"What's wrong? I need to see you," her voice pleaded over the phone.

"My grandmother is dead. I'm tired now. I can't talk anymore."

As I was hanging up the telephone I could hear her yelling "Cristina!"

I opened the diary once more and began to read again.

"Annais, come into the water. It's deliciously warm," beckoned Carlotta.

"Later, not now," she answered as she walked over to where the two little girls were playing by the pool. As she approached, Cristina looked up and gave her a smile.

"Hi! What are you two doing?" She asked.

"We're coloring and then cutting out the figures. We want to do a collage for you," Maria answered with a smile.

Maria was a beautiful child. She reminded one of those beautiful children that painters of old would use as angels on their canvases. She was beautiful not only on the outside but she also possessed a beauty that only comes from within and it could be seen in every one of her smiles.

Annais looked down and saw a lot of different little figures of different things all colored brightly all over the table.

"Why it's a lovely idea," she said to them.

"It was Cristina's idea to make it for you."

"Thank you, " she said looking down at the little girl who was smiling at her.

"You won't forget?" Cristina asked excitedly.

"No little one, I won't forget." She lightly caressed the child’s cheek as she walked back toward the pool.

"Annais, come on, jump in, the water is wonderful" Carlotta called to her again.

"I'm coming," she said, jumping into the water.

The children were called into lunch by their Nana. They were led into the kitchen where their lunch was waiting for them.

"Nana, my pictures! My pictures may be blown away! I left them on the table by the pool!" Cristina said excitedly and ran out the door and back into the garden toward the pool.

When she got there she did not see her mother or Annais. Most of her pictures were still on the table but some were scattered on the grass. She hurried to pick up all the ones that she saw. Some had been blown all the way toward the other side of the garden.

She went to pick them up and as she was picking up the small pieces of paper she heard voices nearby. As she raised her eyes she saw them. She became as still as a statue. Nothing could have prepared her to see her mother kissing Annais wantonly on the mouth and groping at her breast as she lay down on top of her in the grass.

She got up quickly, dropping all of her pictures on the ground and ran back to the kitchen.

"Cristina, your pictures…did you find your pictures?" asked Nana.

"No," she answered in a very quite voice as she picked up her soupspoon and started to eat her lunch.

I closed the book slowly, carefully put it in the drawer in front of me and closed it. I raised my eyes and as I did so the library door burst open. Francesca stood before me.

Jaime came in seconds behind her. "I'm sorry, miss. She just pushed by me I couldn't stop her." As he spoke, I had gotten up and started walking towards her.

I stood silently in front of her for a brief moment. Then my hand went up to caress Francesca's cheek.. The smell of her filled my senses, and as before, I could not walk away from her. I accepted that I never would be able to just walk away. My other hand went behind her neck and slowly I pulled her to me until my mouth met her lips. A stunned Jaime left the room in silence.

"I..." Francesca tried to say before my finger covered her mouth to silence her again.

As I pulled away she stood very still. My eyes searched her face and then my hands took a life of their own as they traveled over her body. I needed to touch her, to feel her skin, smell her hair. I needed to taste her and hold her. I needed something that only she could give.

Francesca stood still not understanding what was happening. She could see that my eyes had a far away and detached look about them.

"What's wrong baby?" she asked softly.

"I've missed you." I answered simply. "Come!" I quite suddenly grabbed Francesca by the hand and pulled her to follow me. We went out to the garden, and were encompassed by the darkness outside.

"Cristina, it's too dark out now. We can't see anything out here. Let's go back inside." She pulled her hand away from my hold.

I turned to face her and Francesca could see my face from the light of the house behind her. "I want to show you a secret place." Suddenly the excitement left me and it was replaced by an overwhelming feeling of confusion. Francesca stood very still.

"I...it wasn't here...it wasn't here." I said softly, looking out into the darkness and then back at Francesca.

My hand went up to touch my temple and my eyes closed briefly. I felt so tired; like the weight of the world was on my shoulders. Francesca walked over to me, slowly put her hand around my back and walked me back into the house.

"You're tired. Where is your room?" I pointed toward the staircase and Francesca led me to it.

We went up the stairs in silence. When the door to my bedroom was closed behind us I turned and faced her.

"Run away," I said to her menacingly.

"I can't."

I had lost control. I felt nothing one moment and was filled with rage the next. I wasn't even sure where I was all the time anymore. Something was happening but I wasn't sure just what.

"I'm afraid," I whispered. "I don't understand what's happening to me. I'm scared, and I don't know what to do. Help me!" I cried covering my face as I fell on my knees to the floor. "Help me…Oh God, please help me" I cried out.

I was filled with such loneliness I was going to be in trouble. I knew I was.

"Mommy is going to be mad." I had seen them and I knew that mommy was looking for me. "I won't tell. I promise I won't tell," I kept crying.

"Sweetheart, what are you talking about?" Francesca's arms embraced me.

"I won't tell. I promise I won't tell what you and mommy were doing." As I finished saying this I felt her body tense up.

I kept crying. Mommy would find me and she would be mad. I hated her. She always took what I loved away. She would take Francesca away. I reached out for her. I held her hard and cried inconsolably.

"Don't be mad Annais. I didn't mean to do anything bad. I was only looking for my pictures. I didn't mean to see you and mommy. " I choked out between tears. I looked up to her face.

She was looking down at me at first in surprise and then suddenly her eyes were filled with such sadness that tears welled up inside them and soon were rolling down her face.

"It will be alright baby. I never knew you saw us. I'm so sorry. I'm so very sorry. I'll make it alright, I promise," she said tenderly.

My eyes were filled with love for her. She was going to make it alright; mommy was not going to be mad. I put my face back on her chest.

We both sat on the floor. I held on to her as if hanging onto life, because, that is what she was and that is what she is still. I fell asleep as she stroked my hair.

~~~~~~~~~~

It felt cold. As I opened my eyes I realized that I was on the floor in someone's arms. I looked up and saw that it was Francesca. She was asleep, holding me tightly against her with her back leaning against a chair. As I pulled away from her she awoke.

The room was filled with moonlight. I looked away and got up. My body felt stiff from having been on the floor. I was stretching and rubbing my shoulders with my back to her when I felt her hands begin to rub my back.

She massaged my shoulders and neck. She had always had the power to make my body come alive. I turned around to face her. I looked at her face carefully, as if by looking at her I would see something that I needed to see.

I pulled her to me and my mouth sought to fill its hunger. My hands were harsh. I again was filled with the desire to love her and hurt her at the same time. She tried pulling away from me but I tore open her blouse in frustration. We stood staring at each other in surprise.

I took a step away. I didn't know what I was doing anymore. I no longer had the power to see the difference from what I wanted and what I should not want. She came over to me and walked me over to my bed.

"I'm tired Francesca," I whispered to her in confusion. I wasn't sure of anything anymore. It was like my mind was filled with a fog I could not find my way out of; and I was tired.

"I know...I know," she said as she undressed me slowly and put me to bed. After tucking me into bed she started walking toward the door.

"No! Don't leave me!" I cried out for her. She walked back and got into bed with me. "I'm afraid of the dark. You won't tell will you?"

She just stared at me for a long while and then held me very tightly to her.

"No. No little one, I won't tell, it will be our secret." I smiled, went into her embrace and once again fell asleep in her arms.

After lunch I was put to bed for the traditional Spanish nap time. During this time I usually did everything except sleep. I waited for Maria to fall asleep, snuck out of our nursery and went out to the garden.

I went to my secret place. I stood in front of that huge tree and somehow I thought it mocked me. It stood there, daring me to climb it. I had always wanted to but mother would have punished me if I were ever to get caught. I stared at it only a few more seconds before I started climbing that giant tree as fast as I could.

When I reached the top I saw another world. It all seemed so small from up there, not like when I was on the ground where everything was bigger than me, making me feel so small. Up there it was all manageable.

I could see our house and the pool. I looked all around and for the first time in my life I felt such a sense of freedom as I never had or would ever feel again. I closed my eyes and took a long breath and just smiled to myself and my new found independence.

I just needed me. I opened my eyes and I could see my Nana looking around the garden calling out my name. Mother followed out behind her. She was angry. Mother's anger always meant pain in one way or another.

My new found security became shaky and I started to quickly go down the tree. If she knew I had gone out that was one thing, I was already in trouble. But If she found out about the tree climbing ...well, I wasn't sure what would happen but with mother it was better not to find out.

I was going down as quickly as I could and as I looked down I saw her down below. Francesca was looking up and smiling. I looked away and as I did my foot missed the branch and I felt myself falling through the air. All of a sudden the whole world went dark.

Through the mist that I found myself in I could hear her calling "Tina! Tina!"

My eyes opened slowly and gradually they became accustomed to the darkness that surrounded me. I started to sit up and I felt the tug of an arm around my waist. I looked over and I could see Francesca's face on the pillow. She was asleep.

No matter how many times I started down one road somehow I always seemed to land up in the same place. Memories long forgotten were flooding my mind at such a break neck speed that sometimes I felt I was being drowned by them.

All the pieces were coming together and the picture they were creating was not something I wanted to see. Why? Why was this horrible nightmare slowly following me back to reality? That old dream suddenly came to mind.

I was running down a long corridor. I was so afraid. It was dark and my feet were wet.. I remember voices calling my name and the fear. For that year that I did not speak after the accident I was consumed with that dream. Until one day it stopped and I started trying to remember or trying to forget. I'm not quite sure which anymore.

All I know is that Fracensca was there, lying next to me. My past and my future lay in her. I was afraid of what I was going to remember. I couldn't seem to get the image of my mother and Francesca together out of my mind. I closed my eyes and let out a sigh. As I leaned back I felt her arm tighten around me and as my head found my pillow, Francesca found my shoulder to lay her face on.

I stroked her hair and I buried my face into it and slowly breathed in the smell of it. I couldn't imagine my life without her in it and yet she had to be punished. Punished? Why did that idea come into my head? I didn't want to remember anymore! My arms went around her sleeping body and I pulled her closer to me.

Her face hovered over me. I felt like a swimmer trying to swim up from the deep, and awaiting me is her face. Somehow through the haze there was always Francesca's face.

"Tina! Tina!" She kept saying over and over again. My eyelids fluttered, trying to focus.

"My head hurts," I finally whispered.

"Oh thank God you're alive! Don't worry little one, I'll make it better. Stay still please." Her voice sounded far away but hearing it made me feel better.

I was taken to a private clinic nearby by ambulance. I could only make out muffled voices though the sound of the siren when the darkness overtook me once more.

I awoke in a strange room. It was all white and sterile looking. Later I found out I had been in a coma for three days. I started to look around and saw mother and Francesca talking in the corner. They were whispering but I could tell that they were arguing about something.

Annais turned to walk away when my mother grabbed her by the arm and pulled her back to her, kissing her on the mouth. She fought her only for a brief moment and then her arms went up around my mother's neck. All I could do was stare in a dead silence. I turned my face away before they could see me. I could hear them whispering again before I fell asleep.

I stayed in the clinic for two weeks. I had suffered a concussion and had been in a coma for a few days. Other than that just some scratches and bruises, no broken bones.

The doctor told my mother to keep an eye on me and report any headaches or blackouts. I had been very quiet during my hospitalization, more than usual, staring into nothing for long periods of time. This seemed to upset my mother more than I would upset her usually. The doctor still wanted to keep me under observation but mother argued that I would be more confortable at home.

I would noticed Francesca looking at me with concern in her eyes and I would look away. She had tried talking to me many times but I remained silent. Many nights she stayed in the hospital with me while my mother went home. Hers was the face I would see during the night, the one that gave me the glass of water, the one that helped the nurse change the sheets once when I had an accident during the first few nights.

She had comforted me and loved me. The first night I woke up in the middle of the night and called out, her voice was the one I heard in the dark.

"Mama!" I called out in fear. "Mama!"

"Shhhhh, little one. It's Annais. Mama is not here right now. Don't be afraid, everything will be alright." She spoke to me softly as her hand stroked my hair. I felt her lips kiss my forehead. "You're going to be fine, but you have to try to keep still. Would you like some water?"

"Yes, please."

"Such a polite young lady you are. Your mother would be proud," she said half jokingly. My eyes began to get accustomed to the darkness and I could see her walking away toward a table and then walking back with a glass of water in her hand. She held my head up gently and I drank a little.

"Would you like to talk for a little while?" she asked.

"No," I said, turning my face away into the pillow.

I knew she just stood motionless for a few seconds and then I heard her walk toward the other side of the room. I turned my face and I could see her sitting in a chair looking back at me.

"If you need me, I'll be here."

"I don't need you. I don't need anybody," I said to her harshly, tears welling up in my eyes.

A sob escaped me and she walked over to me. She lay down next to me and held me in a warm embrace. At first I tried pulling away from her, but gradually I didn't resist. On the contrary, my arms went around her neck and my face laid on her shoulder half buried in her neck. I felt safe with her. I felt safe and warm.

The light of day is what woke me. It rudely came through a crack in the heavy laden curtains and hit my face with its cruelty.

It awakened me to the fact that I was in my grandmother's house with Francesca in my bed. She was mine. After all these years she was still mine. No one would take her from me. If only I could keep the memories from taking over. I wasn't sure when they came just what I should do.

There were voices in my head. I had to shut out the voices in my head. I looked at Francesca as she slept. So beautiful. I had always though her so beautiful. They thought she was beautiful too.

"Well young lady ,I think it's time you were going home," I heard someone say. I looked up to see my father standing in the doorway of my hospital room.

He walked over to mother and they started talking about the arrangements of my coming home. I was to go to the villa and in a few days they would go to Italy as planned. Maria and I were to follow in a week or two. I just looked at them and said nothing.

As usual their plans would not be changed with the inconvenience of a child. Something must have shown in my face because when I looked in Annais's direction I saw pity in her eyes. I stared back at her in anger.

How dare she feel pity for me. I didn't want pity. Mother and father walked out to speak with the doctor.

"You will be joining us soon in Italy," she said in a loving voice trying to console me. She reached out her hand to console me but I pushed it away.

"Don't touch me!" I said to her. She stepped away from me in surprise. "I don't want to go to Italy! I don't want to see you anymore! Go away!" I yelled now. Her eyes welled up with tears and she walked out of the room. I had hurt her and it felt good.

Of course two weeks later Maria and I joined them in Italy. As soon as we arrived I could sense that something was wrong. You could feel it in the air. My parents appeared openly hostile to one another. And by this I mean more than the usual.

The first night after our arrival as a special treat we were allowed to have dinner with them. Right from the beginning, it became a battlefield. Sides had to be taken.

"Tomorrow I thought we could take the girls to see the countryside. Wouldn't you like that, Annais?" My father asked.

"Annais does not like the country," mother stated flatly without even looking up from her dinner plate.

Father's face became furious but he didn't utter a word.

"I would like to go with the girls. Perhaps we could try?" Annais said looking in mother's direction. Mother looked up and nodded her head but not too happily. It had been a concession and nothing more.

"Well now, that it's settled, how was your trip here girls?" Papa said in his most charming voice.

"The train ride was wonderful papa," replied an excited Maria. She proceeded to describe the ride and how we had bought cotton candy from a concession stand on our arrival into Italy and how Marcel our poodle had tried to eat some and how he had gotten all sticky.

Maria was a charming child. Mother had been right about that. Everywhere she went she brought the sunshine with her. How could you not love her? And of course everyone did, especially me.

"And you, Cristina? Did you enjoy the trip?" asked papa.

"No, it's too hot here" I said to him. He looked angry and turned to Annais.

"Well, you are going to love the country side. It is so beautiful to see the wildflowers. They are all in bloom now you know."

~~~~~~~~~~

Her eyes opened and she was looking at me expectantly. Waiting to see something but she wasn't sure quite what. I was propped on my elbow looking at her as my hand stroked through her hair.

"I was remembering how beautiful your hair looks with wildflowers. Blue ones and yellow ones. Itlay has beautiful wild flowers. We should go there. I remember..." My voice just kind of faded away.

I was lost somewhere. Neither here nor there. Francesca touched my cheek and brought me back to this reality. I looked at her in surprise. How had she gotten into my bed?

I felt confused and disoriented and it must have shown. I started looking around trying to understand where I was.

"Where are we?" I asked her. She looked at me for a moment and very softly caressed my face.

"We are up too early. Come let's go back to sleep" she said as she gently pulled me into her embrace and stroked my hair. I pulled away from her. I sat up on the bed trying to get a grip on my thoughts. They were going so fast all around me that I couldn't focus.

"Tina," she said holding my arm. I again pulled away from her.

"Don't touch me!" I said sharply. I looked down at her with the eyes of a stranger.

The sheet had slipped down to her waist. My eyes traveled to her breasts and my hands proceeded to fondle them. A moan escaped her lips and my mouth and my body covered her. At first she fought me but it was to no avail. She always surrendered in the end. I needed the taste of her skin. My hands touched her, aroused her and finally I would go inside her and fill my hunger for her. I wanted the pleasure her body gave me. Why shouldn't I? She was mine! What hadn't I done to have her.

~~~~~~~~~~

Two hours later we were still in bed. I held her tightly to me, my face in her hair as she spoke. "Let's go home," she said.

"Home? Where is home?" I asked her. She turned towards me and looked into my eyes.

"Let's go back to St.Maarten, to my house," she pleaded with a smile on her lips. A smile that diaspeared when she heard me speak.

"Why should I go anywhere with you?" I asked her cruelly.

"Because you love me...and I love you."

"When did I tell you I loved you?"

"That night...in the dark... in New York." Tears started streaming down her cheeks. My finger started wiping them away. My eyes were avoiding hers.

"Tina, please!" She pleaded but upon hearing her pet name for me the anger within me took over. I grabbed her hair and pulled it tight.

"AHHH!!!" She cried out. I was hovering over her ready to strike, much like a predator does with its victim.

"I don't love you!" I said to her between my teeth. My body was on top of hers, my hands pinning hers down.

"Don't do this, please!" She sobbed.

"I can do whatever I want!" I said menacingly. "Why would I love you?" I taunted her.

"Tina please...don't do this…don't do this." She repeated as her tears became sobs. Her body shook with her pain. I could hear her pain as she cried. My anger disappeared as quickly as it had come. Her tears…her tears had always had the capacity to move me. My lips kissed her face gently and then her eyes and finally her mouth.

"Don't cry," I begged her. "Please don't….don't cry," I whispered into her ear as my lips consoled her, covering her with soft kisses.

Her arms went around my neck and held me close. I rolled off her and half her body was on mine. I stroked her hair. "We'll go to St. Maarten for awhile. It was very beautiful there. Would you like that?"

"Yes," she said as she looked down at me.

~~~~~~~~~~

A few days later we arrived in St. Maarten. It was warm and lovely and best of all it had no memories of my past. For years I had longed to remember now I just longed to forget. Something was happening to me. Something I couldn't quite grasp. I knew I was loosing a battle and I wasn't quite sure what it was. I just wasn't sure anymore. I wasn't sure of anything.

~~~~~~~~~~

The house was finished and it was truly a dream house. It stood high on a cliff and the side that faced the ocean was made all of glass. I stood there before the ocean and it suddenly dawned on me how vast the world really was. Large enough for a person to be able to hide and never ever be found ever again.

Perhaps it was possible to be happy still. The moment we left Spain I was able to breathe easier. I seemed to be more in control of myself. We had been on the island only a few days but I hadn't dreamed since our arrival.

No more nightmares to confuse or torment me. For a brief moment in Spain I really thought I would go mad. I'm sure if I had stayed I would never be happy again. It was good here. There were no memories here to torment me. The past was where it should be, in the past.

I didn't want any answers anymore. I just wanted to forget the little I knew. The past that I used to search for I now wanted to run from. There was something horrible there. I knew that now or, I should say, I felt it. Horror, was the perfect word for it. I would never search again.

I had brought the diary with me. It was in my suitcase. I had stopped reading it the night Francesca arrived. And, at that moment, I knew I must never open it again.

~~~~~~~~~~

I was pulled back into a soft embrace. She stood behind me holding me close to her. I could feel the warmth of her breath on my ear as she spoke softly to me.

"I love you," she whispered into my hair. "Mmmm… you feel good." I leaned back against her.

"I like it here. It's like a different world, away from everything and everyone."

"It is. It's our world, yours and mine," she said softly as we both looked out into the ocean.

Yes, it was our world. And yes, it was beautiful. If it could only have remained that way. That moment was the only moment in my life that I was one with all. At that moment I had no past and no future. I just accepted and existed.

~~~~~~~~~~

"Francesca come on!" I shouted from the courtyard. "We are going to be late! Please hurry!"

"Okay, okay, I'm coming." She answered as she came down the staircase with a big smile on her face.

"What…What?"

"Did I tell you how beautiful you are today?' She said softly as she stopped in front of me.

I smiled as she put her arms around my neck and pulled me to her.

"It is very hard to stay angry with you," I said as I buried my face in her hair.

Francesca was my days and my nights. It was a fact in my life. She was all that happiness meant to me. I would die without her. It was that simple.

We had scheduled court time that morning at the club. We had both taken to going regularly and playing tennis there at least three times a week. Slowly we were creating our own world. No old memories, just concentrating on making new ones. I should have known it would never last. And God, how I needed it to. I had never felt this whole. I never would again.

We walked hand in hand on the beach at night and woke up in each others arms on our bed in the morning. She loved and pampered me. She made all the pain of all those years without her bearable. I had needed her like a downing man needs breath. I hungered for her and she fed my hunger.

It was a day in the sunshine like so many before it. We had just finished our tennis game and I had gone ahead to order our drinks at the bar. I was happy. God, I was happy.

My paradise came to a screeching hault.

"Cristina!!" A voice called out to me.

I turned around and before me was Elena. At that moment my past collided with my present.

I froze. I felt so cold. Instantly I felt a deadly chill fill my body.

"Cristina, it's wonderful to see you." Elena hugged and kissed me on the cheek.

"Hello Elena," I managed to whisper

"I was sorry to hear about your grandmother," she said sadly. "She was a tough one but she did love you."

"Thank you." I said to her.

"Since when have you been here?" she asked. "All of your old friends never knew where you were."

"I have been traveling…" I trailed off. I felt the nausea coming. I felt dizzy and cold.

"Are you alright?" asked Elena, concerned.

"Yes," I said as I reached for the nearest chair for support.

"Here let me help you. Do you want me to get a doctor?" She helped me to sit down.

"No...I'm fine." I started to relax.

She sat next to me. "Are you sure you're okay?"

"Yes, really," I answered as my hand touched my hot cheek. I felt an immediate rush of fear. I had to run. "I have to go Elena" I got up and started walking.

I remember her calling my name and I started to run. I ran and ran until I could not run anymore. It was late. Quite suddenly I realized it had gotten dark. I was sitting on a bench facing the dark water of the ocean. How long I sat there, I don't know. I could not even remember how I had gotten to this place. I was tired.

I closed my eyes and I saw her. "Maria!"

"Come on Cristina…catch me!" She ran as I tried to catch her.

We were running in the garden. It was warm and the air smelled sweet with mommy's roses.

"You can't catch me! You can't catch me!" We ran in sweet abandonment.

The air was filled with laughter. I kept letting her escape me.

"Maria…Maria, come here" Mommy yelled.

Suddenly we both stopped running and the laughter stopped.

"Come here Maria. We are going into town with your father," Mommy said.

"No!" I yelled.

My eyes shot open. I sat there listening to the sounds of the ocean that were no longer soothing. My past. My past was coming for me. Now that it had found me I would not be able to hide from it anymore.

I got up and started to walk.

~~~~~~~~~~

"Where have you been!!" Francesca yelled. "I have been worried sick!"

I had just walked in front of the wall of glass. I looked out to that ocean that only a few hours ago had given me such peace and all I saw was black water.

"I ran into Elena at the club," I remember saying. Was that me? Was that my voice? It sounded distant. The sound of it only made me feel colder. I remember wrapping my hands around my body and I fell on my knees to the floor.

Francesca was at my side immediately. I felt her embrace before she reached me.

"I can't escape them Francesca…I can't escape them," I said as I lost consciousness.

"No! I don't believe you! I don't believe you!" I yelled. That day I ran too. I ran and ran.

"Querida," my grandmama said sweetly. She had found me under the tree. I was huddled into a ball. I looked at her and buried myself in her embrace.

"Querida…es verdad…tu hermanita esta con Dios," she whispered to me as she caressed my hair.

My sister was with God. I did not speak after that.

I swam up from the darkness that was both my friend and my enemy. The darkness and I were old friends. My eyes fluttered open.

The room was filled with sunshine. I felt as if on a roller coaster. I could no longer deal with the inconsistency of my life. In one moment; in one swift moment, Elena had reminded me of what I was running from and now the past was here. It was here and I no longer could control it. It was coming at me like a wolf whose hunger must be fed.

As I opened my eyes she is the first thing I saw. My Francesca. It had always been my Francesca.

"Hello."

"Hello," I replied. Her eyes, I could always just disappear in her eyes. I reached out and my fingers lightly caressed her face. Was she real? I couldn't tell what was real anymore. I was changing. Was it like this? Did it happen like this? Is this what it was like to loose your sanity? Death seemed a more peaceful way. Yes, in death there was no thought involved; hopefully things would just stop. Yes, death was definitely better.

"Hello my love," she said softly as her lips kissed my temple. Her other hand caressed my face and I leaned into it.

"I love you, Francesca," I said simply to her as I looked up to meet her eyes. What I saw looking back at me were two beautiful eyes filled with a look of such tenderness that it took me by surprise. Her eyes filled with tears and they spilled over her cheeks.

"I hope you always do," she replied sadly, her head bent down.

"Yes, I always will." She looked up again. "I have always loved you." As I said this to her I lay my cheek on her breast. Her hand caressed my hair gently and we just lay there in each other's embrace.

~~~~~~~~~~

We stopped going to the club and stayed mostly in the confines of the house. I took to taking long walks on the beach as Francesca would look at me from the wall of glass above. The days were growing short.

~~~~~~~~~~

One afternoon I came in from my walk on the beach and I heard loud voices coming from the drawing room. I walked toward them. The doors that were usually open to allow the flow of air and sun were closed. I could hear Francesca speaking as I opened the doors and walked in. Elena was sitting on the couch. She seemed upset; she stood up and walked toward me as I walked into the room.

"Cristina--" She started to say when Francesca interrupted.

"Cristina, Elena made some inquiries at the club and they directed her here."

"Cristina, I need to speak with you! What is going on here?" She asked looking back at Francesca who was looking at me.

"What can you possibly mean Elena?" I asked her as I walked to stand in front of the glass wall. As I looked out to the ocean I realized sadly it no longer gave me comfort. I had become a stranger to it.

"I have heard some really incredible rumors…at the club." She finished in barely an audible whisper.

"And what have you heard Elena?" I asked in a mocking voice still looking out, pleading to my ocean to take me back. If I could only feel a part of it again I could be happy again. I knew that. Why could I no longer feel that peace anymore?

"Cristina..." She started walking toward me.

I turned and was a mere few feet from her now. "And what have you heard Elena?" I asked again.

She seemed uncomfortable, looking at Francesca and then back to me.

"Francesca, will you excuse us a moment please?" I asked and was met with hurt filled eyes. She said nothing as she walked out of the room and closed the doors behind her.

As soon as Francesca left the room Elena started her attack.

"Cristina, do you know what they are saying? My God, you have to leave here!" My eyes were still looking at the closed doors. I had hurt her by asking her to leave. It seemed that I was always hurting her. It seemed like another lifetime that I wanted to punish her for something. Somehow that didn't seem right anymore. Nothing seemed as I thought it should. And all I could do was stare at the closed doors and remember how hurt she had seemed when I asked her to leave us.

"Cristina!"

I looked back at Elena again and walked to the other side of the room to put some distance between us.

"Cristina…Come back with me. You can stay with me and Alfonso if you wish to remain here for awhile longer, but you must leave here before these rumors are heard and spread."

I looked out to the ocean yet again as my plea went still unanswered. And it was with a tired sadness that I spoke to Elena. "And what are they saying Elena?" I asked as I ran a hand through my hair.

"That you and...that you and Francesca are more than friends." She was unable to look me in the eye.

I said nothing. I waited for her to speak again. I wasn't going to make this any easier for her.

"Cristina! Do you know what they are saying?"

"No, what are they saying Elena?" I asked in a whisper. As the silence lengthened I looked in her direction and finally she looked up straight into my eyes.

"That you and Francesca are lovers. That you have been seen kissing on the beach. That you have been seen nude in the water fondling each other, that...Cristina you can't stay here!" Again her eyes avoided meeting mine. I looked out at the ocean again.

"Is that what they are saying?" I asked disinterested.

"Do you understand the ramifications? Do you? Look at me!" She blurted out in anger. She took my arm and turned me around to face her.

"Elena, what would you have me do?" I asked quite unflustered.

"Leave here to start with. You come from an old family Cristina. This is an added scandal that you don't need." She finished saying. That got my attention. She knew something. It had never even occurred to me that she knew anything.

"What are you talking about Elena? What do you know?" Now I sounded upset.

She moved away toward the middle of the room nervously. "I …I just don't want to see you get hurt."

"Don't lie to me Elena. You started this. Tell me, what scandals are you talking about?" I demanded.

"Cristina…" she left the sentence unfinished.

"You think I don't know? I know everything. I know more than I want to. I want to die because I don't think I can bear another day knowing." I was yelling now.

"Cristina, please," she said softly, walking back toward me.

"Get out Elena!" She froze on the spot. "Get out! Your being here hurt me! Get out please!" I cried out in pain. "GET OUT!!!" I shouted. She turned around and ran out of the room.

After a few minutes I ran to find Francesca. I knew instinctively that she would be in our bedroom. I remember slamming the door hard. She stood near the bed in silence. I was breathless and started pacing. I felt the weight of my guilt and it was going to kill me. While I did this she remained silent. I suddenly stoped and turned to look at her.

I had done so much to have her. So much that I could not admit even to myself. She was more than love, she was my obsession. She always had been. I thought I was the one captured in this thing we had between us. But, at that moment I realized I had never been the victim. I had always known what I wanted and pursued and took. Francesca just loved. I had felt like I had been used in so many ways and it was not this way at all. It had always been this way. WE, THE ALCALAS, WE were the users. We took and took and never cared what remained in the aftermath.

I had hated them for so long -- my parents. I had hated them and I was just like them. But not quite like them. I was the truest Alcala of all.

I wanted Francesca. I had always wanted Francesca. And with that thought. I went to take what I wanted. Before she even had a chance to say a word my mouth covered hers.

My hands traveled up and down her body. I need to touch her with an urgency that even I didn't understand. And in my frustration I started ripping her clothes. I wanted her skin, her smell, all that Francesca was. I wanted to possess and adore her.

As always she understood and quenched my needs and didn't fight me but today even my hunger would surprise her. Within moments I felt the warmth of her flesh. We fell on the bed and I was above her. I felt and was consumed with the heat of desire and that was all that mattered. It had been so long since I had taken her like this.

My mouth search for her breast and sucked it hard. I could feel the groan rising from my throat before I heard it. I was filled with a desire that only her body could quench. I teased and teased her. Her breasts were my torment so I made them her toment. I teased them with my teeth and then my tongue. Her back arched to give me more. I ached with a need to possess and my hand travelled lower to take her. I needed. I needed.

Yes, she was so willing. She was ready for me and quite suddenly, without her even realizing it, I was inside her. This was our dance. A dance of my possesion. Because she was mine. As her hips started to buck I pressed harder. I could feel the orgasms, one after the other, wash over both of us. Her hands pulled at my hair in pleasure and also with a plea. I fell over her and I also tried reaching for breath.

But the hunger would not leave me. I could feel the fire burning behind my eyes. And when my eyes looked into hers all she saw was lust and it frightened her. I lowered my self between her legs never releasing her eyes from mine.

Then, just as quickly I released her and my eyes saw what was my objective. She was so inviting. I closed my eyes and took in her scent and my mouth took and fed on her until her screams begged for my mercy. I did not hear; I did not want to. I took and I took till I had had my fill. It had always been this way. I took her again and again. And in the end my body's exhaustion is what stopped me. Because in my mind I wanted her still. I would die wanting her.

She was mine.

When she woke up the next morning she woke up next to an empty bed.

~~~~~~~~~~

I walked on the beach. The water rushed up and hit my feet and all I remember seeing was water and sky. It was so peaceful. I felt one with the ocean again. My mind was so clear. Once I stopped fighting it all seemed so easy as to what I had to do. And I felt at peace.

Sunrises were always so beautiful. I wanted to see this one. This would be the most important one. The sky was filled with the magic of gold and as I took in my breath to see the first sparks of the sun I felt arms come around me from behind. I leaned back against her and we welcomed it together. My Francesca, my beautiful love; for that is who she was. She was love. That morning we welcomed the dawn together.

I left her two days later without a word. I took a plane back to Spain.

~~~~~~~~~~

It was a long flight but somehow all I remember was getting on and off a plane and on again. And all that was in my thoughts were thoughts of you. My love, for that is what you always were: my love. I had run from you so many times. Run away; run as fast as my mind could take me only to come back to you. Finally, it was all so clear.

All those lonely years without you. Remembering only that I had to remember. Remembering and then wanting to forget. There is so much I regret, Francesca. So much….

And of course there is now. Now I know and remember everything. And I know what I must do. I am an Alcala after all. I always have been. That is what I cannot run away from.

She knew. She had always known, my grandmama. She had guarded her secret and it killed her. Yes, it killed her.

And now, all I have before me are the realities I had never wanted to see and will no longer deny.

I am here now. In front of this ugly building. And I am getting out of this cab and I walk in knowing that this is something that I must do and even now -- God forgive me -- you is all I think of.

~~~~~~~~~~

“Come this way, Miss Alcala,” the nun said to me. “Please follow me." I follow her down a long corridor and as she opens a door, I step inside.

“I will leave you with her,” she says and I am left alone in a room with a bed and a young woman in it.

I walk closer to get a good view of her. It is all quite sunny and I can smell the sterility of the room. All the walls are painted in a pristine white. No pictures or family photos to tell of her life. Just the sound that can be heard from the machines. The machines that make her chest go up an down. I walk yet closer to have a better look, and as my eyes close I see her.

I see her when she was small and beautiful. I see her when she was full of life. When she was just my Maria. I remember that day...

“Come on Cristina…catch me…catch me.” And I ran after her through the trees. And all that I could hear was her laughter.

And I open my eyes and I don’t see that little girl in her face. And as I feel the tears roll down my face I know that it is my fault that she is here. And after all this I still want Francesca.

“Maria…” I hear myself say I reach my hand out to touch her but I can’t and I run out of the room. I run out of that ugly building. I get into the cab that was waiting. I can’t stop the pain from bending me over with grief. My beautiful Maria. I had done this to her. If I didn’t end this madness I would hurt Francesca. I knew I would. And that I could not bear. I could not bear to know that someday I could be responsible for yet another tragedy.

I feel tired. I am now in the present. And quite aware of my life. I feel the seed growing every day inside me. And I also know that it must end with me. The Alcala curse must stop with me. I will face it all today. Grandmama had always known. She knew that someday I would have to face this.

I give the driver another address. This is an older place. Not as frequented. Out of town. It is a place that is to be kept out of sight. After all, who wants to be reminded of these people. And again I get out of the cab and I am shown to yet another room. This time I see an old man. A very old man tied down to his bed. And in the distance I heard screams. But they don’t frighten me. I have known and heard them my whole life.

Yes, I can see the resemblance. It is still there. I remember seeing him in grandmama's old photos. I had his eyes. Yes, I had his eyes. I remember her telling me that I had his eyes. And now I also remember the sadness in hers when she said this to me.

This had been one of her secrets. This poor old man lying on this bed, with my eyes, looking at nothing and just waiting to come back from the nothing.

Here was the man my grandmama had loved till her last breath. That day, that horrible day that she died, she had told me all about him. That day, that horrible day, I knew what I would become. Here he lay, bound to this bed. Here he had been for the last 30 years. Here in this hospital for the insane.

They told me that he had had a quite day and that he sometimes just lay there and stared out into the nothing. Apparently the day before he had attacked a fellow patient and had to be restrained. I thanked the doctor and left.

~~~~~~~~~~

And now, my love, I come to you. I know that I must end this. I must end this before I am like him. Because that is what will become of me someday. I am no longer denying what will be. I must end this before I do more damage. How can I make you understand? Because I know I must make you understand, Francesca, my love.

Yes, my love. You, you who have been the only real thing in my life. You who gave me a purpose for living. I know that what I feel now is the reality I have never wanted to face. And yet face it I must if I am to save you. Yes, my love. I must save you from me. I must save you from me….

And so, I wait here for you. Because I know that you will come. I know that you will find me. I am as consumed with you as you are with me. But even so, you are different. You do not carry this seed inside you. And it hurts me to know that in order to make you understand I must tell you the truth. Because the truth will be painful my love. The truth will be painful.

And as if in a book I turn this last page and you are here. I open the door and you are here before me. So beautiful. How could I have forgotten you all those years ago? I walk into your embrace and breathe you inside me with a sadness that I know is a goodbye.

“Cristina.” Your voice is but a whisper. You follow me into the room and you are angry.

“Why did you leave? This has to end.”

“I know,” I whisper. All I can do is look at you as my vision blurs.

“Why are you crying? I am not angry. Yes, I am angry. You cannot just leave me like that” Your hand reaches out to caress my cheek

“I’m sorry.” I can’t speak anymore and the tears just come. You take me into your embrace and I cry. I cry for you. I have always cried for you. This dance must end.

You try holding on to me but I pull away. I must pull away from you because if I don’t I know that I will never be able to release you. If I stay in your embrace I will not be able to ever let you go again. “Francesca, my love, yes, you are right. This has to end. I can’t go on with this any longer.” My back is to you because I am afraid that my resolve will waver if I look into your eyes. So I go on.

“I remember everything you see. I remember Mama and you. I remember Papa. I remember the day that started me on this road to madness. I killed them.” I now face you with eyes boiling over with tears. You take a step towards me and I take one away; keeping the distance between us.

“Tina…” I hear the tears in you voice. And I run to you. I run into your arms and I hold on tight. One last time. I had to

“I heard Mama talking to you that night. She was taking you away.”

“Oh Tina…” you say as you cry and hold me tighter.

“I heard her….I couldn’t let her do that…I couldn’t. So I told Papa. He was so angry...and then things just starting going crazy. Maria snuck in the back seat of the car. We were playing hide and seek. I saw them…” I felt the moment you suddenly became very still. I look up into your eyes and see the horror.

I step away from your embrace. And while you remain a statue in shock I keep on talking. I have to end this madness tonight if there is to be chance to save you. To save you from the one that loves you. To save you from me my love. To save you from me.

“She knew too” I see the question in your eyes as I say this. “Grandmama...she knew all along. That day, when she told me about Maria, I told her…I don’t know why I forgot it all, but I did. Guilt hides the truth, I guess,” I say softly. “I was always filled with a desire to remember, and I now know that what I wanted to remember was you.” Upon my saying this our eyes meet and I continue. “I have always loved you...even then. She was going to take you from me. So I told Papa.” I was quiet for a bit.

I suppose I wanted to avoid the telling of this story. I wanted just a little longer with you. I take a deep breath and I know I must continue. “Before I knew it, the past just started pouring back. That night in the dark, in New York, remember?”

“Yes, you said you loved me,” you say softly.

“Yes,” I respond as I look at you. My Francesca. “That night I remembered it all. I thought I would go crazy. I had wanted to remember and then all I wanted was to forget. Then the call that Grandmama was sick...” I trail off.

“Abuela, estoy aqui.” I am here, Grandmama.

“Cristina, mi vida..tienes que saber…tengo que decirtelo antes de morirme.” She had something to tell me before she died.

“I remember being with her at her death bed. The things she said to me...she asked me to give you up.” I look at you and all I see are questions.

“I couldn’t do that…I couldn’t all those years ago either. She would make me give you up, she said. That’s when I knew I had to stop her you see.” And as I look at you I see horror in your eyes yet again.

“Don’t look at me like that Francesca, I had to!” I scream.

You look horrified. “What did you do Tina? Oh God, what did you do?"

“I had to stop her. She was going to take you away from me. She said I had to leave you before I ended up like my grandpapa. I had to, don’t you see?” I look at you and you just stare. So I continue. “I kissed her and I put a pillow over her face. She was so tired, Francesca. And I wanted her to rest. Her burden was so great. She had kept the secret of Maria for so long to protect me. She had the secret of my Grandpapa. She loved me she said. And she was cursed to see that same seed grow inside me as it had grown inside of the man she loved. She looked so tired, Francesca. I wanted to help her sleep…you do understand, don’t you?”

“Tina…” you whisper as you cover your face.

“She was so tired." As I finish saying this you look up and our eyes meet once more.

“I love you Francesca… I have always loved you.” And with eyes filled with tears you open your arms to me. My love. You had always been my love. And this is the image I want to take with me. I need the image of your face. I want to keep one lucid moment for you.

As I remember what I must do, I hold you close and take you inside me for the last time. Your embrace. That is what I want to take with me. The memory of your embrace and then I will set you free. Free from me and mine forever.

I tear myself from you and as I walk away I can still hear you weeping. But soon I will set you free. I open the drawer and my hand reaches in. I feel the gun before I can see it. I take it out slowly and raise it to my temple. And then I hear the loud noise as I see the room turn and I am in your arms again.

~~~~~~~~~~

Slowly they both fell to the floor. Francesca held her tightly, never for one moment releasing her eyes. They were clear now. Finally free of the nightmare that had tormented her for so many years. A torment that she was partially responsible for. Cristina was dying. They were both now seated on the floor and Cristina lay partially on her lap, being held by her still. Tears slid down Francesca’s cheeks. Cristiana was just looking at her.

“Don’t cry,” she said softly as tears welled up in her own eyes.

“I won’t,” Francesca replied softly giving her a smile.

“The only real thing in my life has been you,” she said sadly.

“I’m so sorry I hurt you.” Tears rolled down Francesca's face now.

“No, I came alive because of you. No one ever noticed me before you. I had the strength to be myself because of you. Loving you has been the only good thing in my life.” As she finished saying this she gasped for breath.

“Don’t leave me!” Pleaded Francesca in a voice filled with agony

“I can’t stay,” Cristina whispered sadly.

“I know,” said Francesca, overcome with sadness. She kissed Cristina’s forehead and then kissed her lips lightly. And in the kiss, as they tasted each others tears, she felt the moment that Cristina left her.

“No! Oh No!” She wailed as she held Cristina tightly to her chest.

“AHHHHHHH!!!!” She cried out as she looked up in pain.

It was over. And at that moment she knew she could not go on without her. Cristina was waiting. Cristina had always been waiting. She would go to her. They would be together forever. She raised the gun to her temple. Now they would both be free.

There was a loud explosive sound and all that followed was silence.

~~~~~~~~~~

“Francesca?”

“Yes, my love?”

“Forever now?”

“Yes, forever and ever together now, my love”

~~~~~~~~~~

HEADLINES
DOUBLE DEATH--ANOTHER ALCALA SCANDAL

~~~~~~~~~~

“Isn’t it horrible?” Elena heard the waitress comment.

“Yes, horrible.”

“Such a tragic family. I read the whole story” Elena kept looking down at the newspaper so the waitress went on. “It seems the police are looking for people that might know something. First, the scandal about how the parents died almost fifteen years back and now the only remaining daughter was found shot under questionable circumstances.”

“Yes, very questionable.”

“She used to come in here sometimes you know,” said the waitress to impress her. “She was a nice customer. I remember she was a good tipper. You look like someone she came in with once...”

“No, I didn’t know her,” Elena replied.

“How awful. Such a well known family to have been destroyed with such tragedy. Apparently, the Alcala girl had a questionable reputation and was found shot in the arms of a woman who shot herself as well. You know, these women who like girls...who can understand these people.”

“Yes”

“Born to such wealth...they have fantastic lives. It isn’t as if they ever lack for anything. I mean, these people have it all. Oh well, what can you do? Got to get to work. What will you have, miss?”

“Coffee, just coffee,” Elana says.

The waitress leaves to get the coffee and Elena looks up finally and she remembers.

THE END

This story and everything contained within belongs to S. Anne Gardner and may not be reprinted or copied without her permission.

©copyright March 2001

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